Mom: The Resume

Mama Birth
1114 Crazy Town
Phone 808-974-1111

Skills:
Multitasking, conflict resolution, planning, healing, feeding, negotiation, recreation, toddler wrestling

Past Work Experience:
-Cleaning poop off of glitter shoes without removing glitter
-Washing sheets thrice weekly without nervous breakdown
-Kept four kids alive for the past 6 years
-Successfully removed blackberry stains from brand new birthday shirt (no yelling involved)

Items of note:
-Once made a return at Walmart with four kids, no cart, no yelling AND no security called (all involved survived the ordeal)
-Capable of going long periods of time with little or no food and while foregoing bathroom breaks.
-Also important to note, when a bathroom break is afforded, capable of taking said break with child in lap and three others "watching" while negotiating hostile takeover attempt by 6 year old brother directed at 4 year old sister.

Applicable extra experience:
-Can feed large groups with mostly food storage, foraged food, and gardened food.
-Performs well under extreme pressure (read, 9+pounds of pressure barreling down internal "parts")
-Mind reading
-High pressure sales
-Not fearful of large amounts of blood- self or others
-Can touch bodily fluids or wear clothes for long periods of time which are covered in vomit/feces/urine etc.

Position desired:

-Non-profit
-Character Building
-Long term position (read=forever)
-Looks of horror/amazement optional, but not required
-Time off= rarely needed (will accept a good book or lonely potty break as vacation)