What That Pregnant Woman Really Thinks When You Say That

Despite the fact that I can actually be an incredibly rude person, when somebody puts their foot in their mouth with a comment surrounding my pregnancy, I never have anything rude to say back. Maybe I was just taught really well to be polite? (Anybody who knows me is laughing right about now.)

Maybe I am just stunned? I don't know. But, on behalf of oversensitive, overweight (in a beautiful, glowing, pregnant way) and over insulted pregnant women everywhere, here is a list of what people say, what I say, and what I really think.

If you think delving into the depths of my subconscious is a little disturbing, don't say I didn't warn you.

Quote 1:
"Are you having twins?! Are you SURE?!"

What I say:
(Nervous laughter and polite smile.) "No, haha. I had the midwife check. Just one in there."

What I am thinking:
"Seriously? Why on earth would you say that to me? And what is YOUR excuse for the extra 15 pounds?"

Quote 2:
"Still pregnant?"

What I say:
"Yep! (nervous laughter)

What I am thinking:
"If I were not pregnant I would be holding the baby OUTSIDE of my body."

Quote 3:
"You look like you're about to pop!"

What I say:
"Haha."
(This one always takes me by surprise.)

What I am thinking:
"FFFFFF YOU!"
(I know, totally inappropriate for a Mormon housewife to even think that. But there it is.)

Quote 4:
"When are you going to have that baby?!"
(Repeat daily for three months from various strangers.)

What I say:
"Oh you know, they just come when they are ready. One of life's beautiful surprises."

What I am thinking:
"If I knew that I would be A) Psychic, B) Some sort of deity, or C) An OB. What is so hard about a baby coming when it is ready. Do we have to plan everything?"

Quote 5:
(Said when out in public with 'gasp!' all three kids and pregnant belly.)
"Wow. You are going to have your hands full." ~Must be said in a voice that is a mixture of shock and horror.~

What I say:
"Oh....haha!"
(Why is my response almost always a smile and nervous laughter?! Seriously, my parents are not this polite!)

What I am thinking:
(On a bad day.)
"Are you kidding me, my hands ARE full. I am secretly freaking out, wondering if my sanity will survive and more importantly, if my kids will turn out to be functional adults. Can you get the door for me, load the groceries in the car (even after I say I don't need help) and then help push me into my Suburban that conveniently has a four inch lift?"

(On a good day.)

"I love my kids! I couldn't imagine life without them! They are the best thing that every happened to me and in no way a burden. Why does everybody seem so afraid of children? They are awesome."

Quote 6:
"You look beautiful."

What I say:
(Well I might just burst into tears and not say anything.)

What I am thinking:
"Thank you. I really needed that. And I am just crying because I am emotional, not because I am certifiable. "

Quote 6:
"Do you need anything?"

What I say:
"No! I feel great! Thanks though."

What I am thinking:
"I think I need a donut. Where can I get a donut where nobody will recognize me?"