No More Cat Fights
There seems to be constant tearing down of women within the natural childbirth community. Oddly, this assault does not always come from the outside, in fact, quite the opposite, it often comes from within.
You know what I am talking about right? The cat fight. The name calling. The "my way is better than your way". The, "Well I would NEVER do that because I educated myself on the subject" conversation. In junior high it might have involved hair pulling or slapping. Today it involves women behind their computer screens ripping each other apart because they do things differently.
I recently saw a friend and fellow natural childbirth teacher literally torn apart by not just other women, but by other women who even teach the same exact method of natural childbirth that she teaches. Why? Because she did something that they didn't do. I also saw a woman who was kind enough to share her beautiful birth story attacked personally for some of her choices regarding that birth.
I know what you are thinking. Yes, I do. You are thinking that you don't do that. Well, not unless you are SURE you are right.
Right?
Lets face it. We all have a hot button issue. Circumcision. Vaccines. C-sections. Freebirth. Home birth. Co-sleeping. Attachment parenting. Organic foods. Natural birth. Babywearing. Cloth diapering. Breastfeeding. We all have something that we really care deeply about in this community. We care so deeply about it that we sometimes inadvertently offend people who disagree or do differently. Or maybe we go a step further, and verbally attack somebody because they do something differently than us.
You know what is really sad about this to me? The sad part is that we are losing the battle. Yes, I said it. We are losing. C-section rates are at all time highs. Only about one percent of women are birthing at home. Most hospitals have epidural rates of AT LEAST 80%. Very few women are still breastfeeding at six months post-partum. What we are doing is not working.
We can blame this all on the MAN. We can blame it all on THE SYSTEM. You know the one, the one with all the money and the doctors and the fancy studies and scalpels. The system with the free formula and packaged food. They want us to lose, that is for sure. But right now, we are not even a threat. We could blame it all on THEM- but we are forgetting about one of our own worst enemies- US.
We are destroying ourselves from within. We, women who support natural birth and a natural lifestyle and the best for our bodies and our babies and our basic human and female rights are so busy attacking one another for the things that we disagree on that we forget about the things that we actually agree on.
I saw this a few months ago with a Mercola boycott. Dr Mercola is a medical doctor. He is a rare one though in that he is anti-vaccine, and pro-natural. Yes- a medical doctor who preaches AGAINST vaccines! It exists! I saw the article that people were so upset about. They claimed that Dr Mercola was going to make money off of formula. He did mention in the bottom of the article that he was working on a formula free of some of the toxins found in your run of the mill formulas. He mentioned this after a full page of the BENEFITS of breastfeeding, resources to improve breastfeeding (including a link to the La Leche League website) and the evils of the formulas out there.
I honestly don't think that this man is just trying to promote formula. I think he is trying to promote breastfeeding but realizes that there is a need for a decent formula on the market. I live in a very rural area. I have seen a home birth mother who had so many hurdles to breastfeeding that she eventually had to switch to formula. What happened to her? The nasty formula that she had found for her baby was recalled for a bug infestation. There are no milk banks here. There are no options like that for every woman in this country. They simply do not exist everywhere.
Yet what did we see because this man dared to mention providing a decent formula? Attacks from all sides- but all from within the natural community. Did I mention that this is an actual MD who is opposed to vaccines? This guy is on the same team as us. But as soon as he slipped up and did something we disapproved of, the war was on.
On a more personal level, you can see this daily on forums like Facebook or on personal blogs where women are attacked for daring to do something that they shouldn't. And- if it isn't bad enough to step out of the party line, you are really in for it if you dare do it and NOT FEEL GUILTY.
Well I am tired of it. I am tired of women who spend literally hundreds of free hours promoting natural childbirth and empowering women to be in charge of their births being attacked from their fellow teachers. I am tired of home birth moms being criticized by other home birth moms because somebody who doesn't even KNOW them thinks they did things wrong or unsafe or irresponsibly. I am tired of women being ashamed that they bottle feed and having to explain themselves and apologize for it.
We can keep doing that. We can keep saying that it is not OK to attack somebody, unless they are doing X Y or Z ("because those are really special issues to me..."). We can be nasty beneath the guise of whatever it is that is important to us. But we will continue to lose this fight.
We are not each others enemy. The enemy is those institutions that seek to destroy the beauty of birth and motherhood in order to make money. We must attack them and the best way to do it is to support each other.
We are mothers. Mothers love their children. They really do. Even mothers who bottle feed love their children. Yes, even mothers who circumcise love their children. Even mothers who hate co-sleeping love their children. Women who have let their children cry it out, still LOVE THEIR CHILDREN. They might do things differently than you. They might even be WRONG. But I can guarantee you that YOU are wrong sometimes too. And I can promise that we will not convince anybody they are wrong by comparing some of their mothering choices to rape or abuse. They will not listen to us if we talk that way. We will be tuned out and called crazy. We will be considered fringe and even mean. We will lose. And we will further divide mothers.
We have lot of things that are different about us. But I think we have a lot of things in common too. We have children. We love them. We try to do what is best for them. It might look wrong to others. It might even BE wrong. But that is something else we have in common. We are all WRONG sometimes. We will all make mistakes with our children. Every single one of us.
Too many of us are lonely. Motherhood can be very lonely business. I think that might be why so many of us find solace, support and friendship in online forums and blogs. I will admit that that is true for me. I need that outlet and that female support. It is very draining and upsetting when instead of being supportive that outlet turns into a a place where I am afraid to admit my failings because I know that I will be attacked for them.
Here is hoping for a brighter future for women where we can find a common ground. Where we can love people into being better mothers and women instead of arguing with them. Here is hoping that we can come together and fight for each other rather than against.
(On a side note- all apologies if I ever bashed on you for doing something I disagree with. Yes I realize I am a total hypocrite by daring to write this. It won't be the first time I was full of crap. Or the last.)
Comments
I'll be the first one to get pissed and tell someone to F* off for asking me to cover up or go to the bathroom to breastfeed. I repost all kinds of articles on my FB page about nursing in public, how I hate Hooter Hiders, how evil I think circumcision is, but at the end of the day some of my best friends have boys who are missing their foreskin and wear those stupid ass tents to breastfeed. I love them the same and I understand why they do what they do. I stop short of personal attacks on anyone. I don't think it's classy, I think it shows a lack of intelligence.
And I love this blog post. Right on!
Empowerment for women comes from a woman getting all the information on all the options available to her, and realizing that the choices she makes are the ones that she feels are best for she and her family.
Kudos to you on this tactfully written entry!!
I think beyond the anonymity offered by "hiding behind a computer screen," some things get lost in the process. So much of communication is non-verbal, and so much of verbal communication is tone. All of that is lost in a typing scenario. It's so easy to misunderstand someone as a result. One person's honest, non-judgmental question or statement can seem like an offensive judgment to someone else. I know I've had that happen even with friends who I know from regular, daily life; the big difference being I eventually saw them (post internet misunderstanding) and clarified things in person, with body language and tone intact.
I'll never forget a saying I read online about a child with a disability "Your child is more like other children than he is different". This is true of all of us parents, no matter what our choices we are more alike than we are different!
Ok here is my big issue with this all. You can't take vaccination and circumcision back. I feel like no one has taken into consideration that a mom may have made decisions that she was uneducated about and then learned about it after the fact. That is what happened to me. I hate it when moms slam on other moms for circumcision and vaccinations. It is one thing to educate other people about it, but it's another to make a mom feel like crap because there is absolutely NOTHING she can do to take it back!!!!
It is my feeling that, as a mother, the best we can do is to be true to ourselves, follow our hearts and trust our instincts about how best to care for our particular child. We are, after all, the expert on our own children. What works for me and my situation, may not be right for you and yours.
You are not me.
So, whilst it is wonderful sharing resources on social media sites, we cannot force other mothers to make our choices, distasteful as they may be to us.
I do feel that there is a need for accurate information, so that mothers can make decisions based on wisdom, both intellectual and intuitive. However, the choice is ultimately theirs as to what course of action to take. Each mother's journey is her own.
As I age (and the more I clear my own emotional clutter), the more I accept other mothers' viewpoints. We have so much more in common than may be visible on the surface, and, as you say, all mothers love their children. Motherhood is an adventure, fraught with endless decisions to make, and the buck, ultimately stops with us mothers. It is challenging enough, and can be, as you say, terribly isolating.
Isn't it time we had solace and support for our sisters?
Looking forward to your next post,
I actually found my journal from when my first was born 13 years ago and I am posting my entries. I am finding myself JUDGING myself for the choices I made!
It makes me realize that we are all growing and learning. I am a different mother now then I was then. I am sure I will be different in 13 more years too. :)
As a new Doula in So. Florida area I have seen and experienced this type of treatment first hand. You are so right on on every point you mentioned. Thank you for writing this. It needs to be said and heard again and again. Until women decide to empower themselves and get fully educated on all the options the climate of birth in this country will never change. I am a ICAN Chapter Leader and a VBAC mom from 21 yrs ago. I had to fight for my VBAC back then and things are worse today. People must rise up and take responsibility for the health of themselves and their families especially where it concerns pregnancy and childbirth. If we don't we will continue to have more incidents like what happened in Arizona this past weekend. A true tragedy that should not have happened if people valued life right from the moment of birth as a miracle and realize that we are all connected. Peace, Love and Joy to you.
Valerie
i respectfully disagree with the "he's on our side" sentiment. suggesting we're all on a "side" negates the entire point. in the true spirit of what you've written here, there are no sides.
i agree that *mother to mother*, we should be giving one another the benefit of the doubt, and releasing the need to be "right" (i personally don't extend this though, to any corporation or individual that benefits financially from a choice a mother makes).
a truly extraordinary milk sharing movement was born of dr. mercola's choice to market infant formula (and matches have been made, even in rural areas). this shows the true power and capability of a community of woman who respectfully encourage women to investigate all options and make informed decisions.
I still maintain that he is in so many was a supporter of natural health and breastfeeding and the all out attack on him because he stepped out of line was unmerited and counter productive.
I read his post- It was very pro breastfeeding.
I have personally milk shared and helped other mothers to do the same- it is a fantastic thing. But it can be hard to provide enough milk for another baby when nursing your own. It took three of us to give one baby enough milk for about half his feedings- a decent infant formula would have been helpful to make up the other 50%-
There are sides- there are those who exploit and intidimate women and profit off of them with no thought to health or wellness or emotional damage. I don't personally think that Mercola is one of these, though it is most certainly possible.
Thanks for reading-
I do my best to do so, however I do get carried away sometimes and I make mistakes ;)
Nice to feel I'm not alone.
Love from across the ocean.
This list includes homeschooling too. (And methods of homeschooling.) A lot of "natural" mommas are homeschooling, using every imaginable method, and that can be a hot button for some as well. Thanks for writing this article! I have reposted on my FB page, since I have friends from EVERY single side of every one of these varying hot buttons. We all need both the reminder to "be nice" in how we voice our opinions, but to also "not take it personally" when someone chooses to do something different from what we choose.
*******
We are not each others enemy. The enemy is those institutions that seek to destroy the beauty of birth and motherhood in order to make money. We must attack them and the best way to do it is to support each other.
We are mothers. Mothers love their children. They really do. Even mothers who bottle feed love their children. Yes, even mothers who circumcise love their children. Even mothers who hate co-sleeping love their children. Women who have let their children cry it out, still LOVE THEIR CHILDREN. They might do things differently than you. They might even be WRONG. But I can guarantee you that YOU are wrong sometimes too. And I can promise that we will not convince anybody they are wrong by comparing some of their mothering choices to rape or abuse. They will not listen to us if we talk that way. We will be tuned out and called crazy. We will be considered fringe and even mean. We will lose. And we will further divide mothers.
We have lot of things that are different about us. But I think we have a lot of things in common too. We have children. We love them. We try to do what is best for them. It might look wrong to others. It might even BE wrong. But that is something else we have in common. We are all WRONG sometimes. We will all make mistakes with our children. Every single one of us.
*********
I posted the same thing a few days ago recently on another support page regarding circumcising our sons. "we are NOT evil, we do not hate our children, we are not monsters, We did not 'intentionally' 'harm' our children or put them through pain, we THOUGHT we were doing the BEST for him. We were duped, we were lied to, we were misled, misinformed, misguided and ignorant and our sons paid the price for that. If we knew then what we know now we would have made a different choice. Most of us live with the regret once we became informed/enlightened. Now we are all on the same side, we all want genital integrity. But instead of pointing fingers at the parents lets point them at the system/society as a whole, not at the individual parents as the monsters. Yes many will make the wrong choice even after being given all the information and evidence to make the "right" choice and will still choose or be forced/bullied otherwise, it's sad yes but calling them nasty names and belittling them doesn't bring them to your side. Again, I circumcised my son, I was wrong, I made a mistake, I am not a monster and I DO believe that circumcision was/is wrong..."
Again thank you!
~Laila :o)
Again, great post! You totally hit the nail on the head.
Second, the natural hormone changes that occur in women before, during, and after birth are intense. (I speak from NO experience personally as I am a man, however have listened intensively to my wife's response). One thing women hopefully can admit is that, for some, these hormone changes can lead to a protective defense of 'don't mess with my kids and the decisions that I make'. It behooves both parties (mother and those 'pointing fingers') to be sensitive to the incredible changes that are occuring.
Lastly, great article. And thank you to all the great mothers working so hard to create the next generation of children!
My youngest daughter was born via C/S last August after a marathon 45hr labor sans any pain meds. She was fine throughout the labor, in fact kicking during the contractions, but I.was.done. We tried everything at home, transferred for more alleopathic means, but never for pain meds (the hospital doesn't even OFFER epidurals) I consented, fully aware, to the C/S. There are 2 official reasons, my reasoning was that if I kept going I knew I would resent my baby, & perhaps have a horrid time bonding. Do I regret it? Nope. Did I bond with her? You betcha! I am enraptured and love her to bits. Can a C/S be a healing birth experience? Yes. So much so my relationship with my son has become more loving & patient.
I've left the Mommy wars hotspots, but with a resolve that I will be more supportive to IRL mothers, because parenting/mothering/fathering/ living is hard enough without getting verbally beaten down.
What am I doing to change it in my own quiet way? I'm going to be a LLL Leader in an area with zero breastfeeding support and non existant breastfeeding rates past 3 months. Eventually doula-ing, but more focused on lovingly supporting and helping mothers breastfeed for longer, and encouraging them to help others.
I appreciate your thoughts on this. Sometimes the discourse online gets so nasty. We do need to practice what we preach--advocacy & independent-thinking. Sometimes natural birth advocates forget that we are capable of being just as coercive or disrespectful as the "others" that are being vilified.
And to that point, I'd love to chime in on Stephanie's response. Using the term "sides" ("he's on our side") does tend to go against the very point it seems you are making. Truly, a focus on "sides" actually encourages division. And I think it can end up putting people into systematic boxes which I believe is what you are trying to discourage. Indeed, just because a person subscribes to some tenants of the natural birth world, doesn't mean she will or should subscribe to all tenants (vaccines, circs, and as the example you mentioned, breast or bottle feeding & many other issues.) I'd like to take the challenge step further. Here's the other struggle I have when we reference "sides:" I am just thinking about moms I've worked with that have picked & chosen what tenants they agreed with and those they did not. I understand your comment about sides was probably referring to health care providers & companies, (& I agree *some* members of which are not always looking out for families' best interests. My concern is that even if referencing companies & providers, I am just not sure it demonstrates the overall message of your post. What if it IS a mom who agrees w/ those companies or providers (the "other side") on issues like vaccines, circumcision or what have you? Does that make her "not on our side?" See what I mean? "Sides" regardless whether it is used in reference to a provider or company has implications for families who might also agree with those sides. This can lead to lot of assumptions, put predefined labels on people, families included, which are the ones I am concerned about being affected.
(continued)
Again, I really do appreciate you writing on this topic, a much needed reminder for all of us.
I did get the comment yesterday-in my in box- I don't know why it didn't show up here.
I guess I am just not a big enough person to totally agree with you, though I get it in theory.
I don't see the point in cooperating with groups like ACOG. I don't think they have anybodys best interests at heart, except for their own and their gain- money.
Case in point, their recent change on VBAC policy- did they do it because they cared about women? No- Because they were gently convinced or educated that they were wrong? No- They changed their stance because the NIH pretty much forced them too.
An entity like that gets no sympathy from me. I reserve the right to consider them evil. I do think this is a war and that there are sides- I just think that women are all on the same side- weather they schedule c-sections for convenience or home birth or anywhere in between. They are still women and mothers.
I don't think either that the individuals within those groups are bad either- or that care providers are either. I believe that even the most knife happy OB probably got into medicine to do good and help. The system and the training and the education do things-
But I continue to to feel disdain for those groups or entities that I think seek to profit off of the pain that is birth in this country. There is no excuse for it. It is not human. It is a machine and I have no sympathy for it.
I seek to create change through women and empowering them. Women can change this system- because the system is driven by money. All we have to do, is take our money elsewhere.
Thanks for your thoughts-I get you- but I am not there.
Thanks so much for replying so quickly Birth Mama! I'm sorry we aren't able to relate to one another on this issue. I certainly don’t expect you to be exactly where I am. I realize I have a perspective that may be unique in the natural birth world (to my lonely disappointment ;), nonetheless I think it is an important perspective and until we can bridge the gaps between women and these organizations, we will only have poor care, poor outcomes and division perpetuated. The reference to evil I feel only deepens the division. I absolutely appreciate passion, but what if we used our energy on simply teaching women about birth and options, rather than on splitting our precious time also forcing on them our personal views on how evil some groups are and how we need to hate them and be at war with them? What if we let them make up their own minds on that while we teach them what they came to us to hear—how to give birth? Families get frustrated when their teachers focus so much on their personal soap-boxes rather than on the issues that matter to THEM as families (I know, I was one of these parents). What if we let them decide what is important to them personally.
I truly do relate to your frustration with organizations that do not always have families’ best interest at heart. I'd offer that the frequent “out-of-touchness” between an organization like the ACOG and women is not initiated, but certainly perpetuated when we as birth teachers are encouraging families to focus on “them” as evil, with intent to harm us. It actually widens the gap and takes energy away from serving the families themselves. It makes *us* in the natural birth world look like haters, and irrational and reactors, rather than the people we really are. I think we might both agree that's not a positive thing. I cringe when I hear these things coming from people who are also in a position of teaching vulnerable families. Terming things evil only causes organizations to be more deeply resistant to the desires of women. These organizations aren’t getting the message, so those kinds of efforts at focusing on wars are apparently not working. Meanwhile, they are hurting because those who are policy makers are getting less and less willing to work with what they see as the angry rants of the natural birth world. Why can't we be bigger than that and do what they will not do for the sake of families? I appreciate you clarifying that you do not see the individual members of the groups as evil, because that was a message I was getting and I felt that was a wide generalization (after all, some members of those groups are also moms themselves). ACOG and others are powerful policy makers whether we like it or not, so just “boycotting” isn’t getting us the results we think it will—I think it is making it worse. I am not trying to defend or have sympathy for organizations or companies either--many have their deep issues, many are callous. I am trying to encourage us put our energy where it is needed--*into* families, rather than spreading ourselves thin also teaching *against* "X" organization. We only have so much energy and so much time, using it wisely and positively on families will bring about the best benefits. I believe you when you say this is your goal, I do. But when we simultaneously have a focus on “wars” and “evil” we actually hurt our efforts to empower women–it focuses on the negative and that hasn’t been working in our favor to facilitate the change we desire, so I move we reassess our tactics...
(cont...sorry! I am so wordy!)
(Cont, part 2:))
...I'd love to share with you (though I realize this opens me up to potentially being written off as biased, not by you, but perhaps by others) I am very much split in both worlds, so I feel I have a unique perspective to appreciate points that each “side” makes and I also see how hateful each *can* be. I feel compelled to fulfill a role that very few are willing to fill--bridging the gaps between providers, companies, birth teachers, doulas and families. Some write me off as not being truly committed to either “side” or being watered-down or being “too lenient” on companies or organizations, and even seen as a traitor (ouch). Oh well. It is still a role that is needed. I am happy to continue trudging through, though it is discouraging at times, because I get lots of criticism from both sides. I am willing to take the criticism for the sake of the families I am committed to. I believe I am living out my promise to be a family advocate –an intercessor. If I am not willing to help bridge the gap between organizations and families, I am not advocating. An advocate is a go-between who communicates with both parties on behalf of the vulnerable party, not simply a protestor on one side, writing the other side off. I am willing to do this and am not asking others to do so in the same way, but to please not hurt those efforts of the “go-betweens.”
Thanks again for responding and for your original post. I wish you and I could sit down over a latte in my kitchen and talk this out. I think we would find we agree on so much more than it seems in these short comments. And indeed that is the huge downside of online discussions--both parties miss a lot because we can't know one another personally and it can lead us to misunderstandings because we are without the benefit of a relating as women with similar goals.
Together in advocacy,
Deborah
I totally understand where you are coming from. I will say that I use totally different language when teaching a class. I simply try to give info, practical ways to achieve natural birth, and pros and cons of the various choices that parents have. What they choose is up to them.
I understand that organizations are made up of individuals- but the organization is a totally different beast.
Remember "To kill an Mockingbird" and the scene with the mob? That is why I don't attack individuals.
But- there are things I am angry about and there are things that need to change. This blog is my tiny voice. Not many people even read it, but I will not censor myself if I think that something really needs to be said. It exists so that I can have a voice at all.
Thanks-
I so greatly support activism in the birth world and also greatly support childbirth/family education (both of which are close to my heart, too). I am also not in favor of censorship (in either direction). Families do need voices and we are all doing our small part in our corners of the world:)
I am always impressed with those who know when to fill each role and when to keep them separated. It sounds like you are doing a great job of this already, keep it up. Families need you!
My big concern is that when advocacy becomes so full of vitriol online, because I can just imagine the people who haven't yet had children reading it and saying, "Those mothers are crazy; I'm never f-ing do that."
The Internet unfathomably large, and I think it's so easy to forget that we've got to set an example not only for other parents, but for those who later may become parents.
I've only been reading your blog for a couple of weeks but I find myself agreeing with almost everything you post :)