The Blessing of Fathers

From Sophia at Sophia's Special Deliveries

Sometimes I feel bad for the fathers of the world.  In a million ways we cut them down and act like they aren't necessary or needed or an important part of the equation.  How horrified would I be (and frequently am) if the world and all those around me treated the sacred blessing of motherhood as though it was useless, replaceable, and not really necessary.

I love being a mother.  It is the greatest blessing and the biggest challenge of my life.  Mothering isn't the only work I plan on doing in my life, but it certainly will be the most important.

And fatherhood is no different.  It is as derided as motherhood, maybe even more so.  There are countless media representations of dads as the doofus, the jerk, the abuser, the idiot, the replaceable, unnecessary sidekick to the rest of the family.  Over and over in the media (for some reason particularly when it comes to journalist Hannah Rosin) I read articles talking about how we are approaching the "end of men" and they are on their way out.

Nothing could be further than the truth.  Good fathers are more needed now than ever before.  They have always been necessary and always will be.  A good father is a blessing to his children just as a mother is to hers.

I am grateful to have been blessed in my life with a good dad.  He always tried to do his duty as a father and husband.  He has always been good to my mother.  He always provided for us temporally.  He was a good example of a lot of things and it has been a blessing in my life.

Today I am grateful for my husband too.  He tries to be a good father and he loves his children.  He seeks to provide for them the best he can and he tries to guide and lead them.  He tries to live his beliefs and live with integrity.  He sticks around when it would be easier to walk away and he does the hard things that dads sometimes have to do in order to be dads.

He doesn't drink or waste his time or money trying to distract himself from his life.  He is in it for the long haul.

I see dozens of men go through my natural birth classes who are genuinely good men.  It is a blessing and a pleasure to watch them prepare each week with the woman they love to help bring a baby into the world in the best way possible for them.  There is nothing sweeter (or possibly more important) than the simple DESIRE these men have to just do a good job.  I feel so lucky that I get to watch them strive for awesomeness in their lives.  It literally makes me happy.

I think that the plight of fathers in our society is somewhat akin to the typical plight of the typical unprepared dad in the delivery room.

Everybody has incredibly high expectations for the dad when mom goes into labor.  We expect him to say the right thing, do the right thing, touch her in the right way, know what is going on, and be basically the perfect massage therapist and mind reader.  And then we give him zero tools and big giant heap of fear to help him get that impossible job done.  Finally, when he crashes and burns, we get kind of mad that he didn't do a better job.

I wish there was a little more support and love out there for the good men and the great fathers of the world.

Few of them are reading this post, but if you  happen to know one of these guys, tell him you noticed.  Tell him you are grateful.  Tell him you appreciate that he tries to be good and tries to be a father when there is literally no praise, no popularity, and no party in it for him.  Instead he will probably have to give up a few things, set aside some loves, and sacrifice it all for some sleepless nights and a frequently empty bank account and smelly car.

Thank you to the dads of the world who make an effort, who try harder, and who are fathers even when it isn't easy.  You are making a difference. 

Photography Friday- Doggie Doula

I should admit, I am not a huge animal lover.  But this picture- how cute is that? 

Have a great weekend!

Photo courtesy of Sophia's Special Deliveries.

What Really Happens When You Legalize Marijuana

A few years ago I innocently wrote a post about how it was (in my very humble opinion, cause I am so humble) a really bad idea to smoke marijuana while pregnant.

Well, WOW.  That really ticked people off.  And I have to admit that while I feel I can be objective on many subjects, this one is a tad emotional for me.  Let me tell you why.

I live in the first county in the United States to legalize marijuana.  In fact, the first time I voted ever at the age of 18 I voted to legalize marijuana in this county.  Was I a big fan of smoking marijuana?  No, I wasn't.  In fact because of my religious beliefs I don't even drink coffee or beer.

Still, I had grown up here, many if not most of my friend's parents grew a plant or two for their own personal use and frankly I didn't see the harm in it being legalized for people to use (medically or not) for their own use on a very small scale.  Not only that, it seemed like a waste of taxpayers money to be putting people in jail for growing or smoking a little weed.

So I voted to legalize.  (This was probably 1998.)  And I moved away.

Then, many years later I moved back.

Well, the small town I had grown up in had changed quite a bit and not for the better in that time.  The laws regarding marijuana legalization have been interesting and are frequently in the courts and seem to change often.  I can't say that I keep up on that.  Now however, cultivating marijuana for medicinal use is legal with some parameters. 

In the last few years a few different states have joined up and started passing laws legalizing marijuana in some form or another.  All over the internet I hear people spouting off about how they just know that marijuana legalization is wonderful and will fix society as well as cancer.  Interestingly enough, they almost always live in Ohio or some other place where not only is marijuana still illegal, but you would have one hell of a time growing it even if you wanted to.  Frankly, many of these "pro-legalization" folks don't have any idea what they are talking about.

But I do.  I live here.  Not only is growing and smoking and selling legal (to some degree) where I live, the county I live in (and some of the surrounding counties) are very well suited to growing marijuana and so there are huge crops here.

Let me tell you what REALLY happens to a town when you legalize marijuana.

First, people need to realize that this is an industry and there is a LOT of money involved.  I get the distinct impression from pro-legalization folks that they sincerely believe that marijuana is some kind of magic drug that can do no evil and inspire no evil.  The truth is that ANYTHING that generates this kind of cash will bring some bad people with it.

So in my town, every time we get close to harvest there is an incredible influx of what we call "trimmers".  These are people who come to town to "trim" the crops.  When I was a kid this area was largely agricultural (pears and grapes) and there have always been lots of migrant workers.  I grew up with lots of kids who worked in the summers in the fields with their parents.  Those migrant workers worked their butts off to have a good life for themselves and their children and they were often families.

Trimmers are not often families.  They are usually young, single people (who look suspiciously like they might be middle class hitchhikers going for a cheap version of a European vacation with their brand new REI backpacks) who show up for a few months to trim the crops and get paid in bud.

I am going to go out on a limb here and sound very politically incorrect and just say that a lot of these people are downright scary.  (Not all of them look like middle class kids out for a good time.)  I am sure that living on the street is scary so many (MANY) of these trimmers (who also happen to be homeless) have big scary dogs that go everywhere with them.  They seem to all live in the Walmart or Safeway parking lot passing around a joint or a bottle of whiskey.  (I am not making this up.)

In fact, during certain months this is so scary that I have to stop going for walks with my children.  I have been repeatedly accosted by these people.  I have stopped going to certain grocery stores because there are literally so many people sitting out front asking for change or swearing loudly with their friends and their dogs that I didn't feel safe there any more.

Now maybe you are thinking, "Why don't they just call the police.  That is loitering and it is illegal."  That is a lovely idea.  But this is a small town and our local police force simply cannot handle the sheer overwhelming amount of roving homeless people that are brought here every year for the marijuana season.

I actually once had the opportunity to witness one of these people die.  When coming out of a lovely local bakery with my young children we got to watch it all happen.  The ambulance and the fire department were literally stripping this guy down and zapping his chest while my three year old pelted me with questions about what was going on.  Needless to say, watching somebody die before their eyes wasn't on agenda when we decided to go for a walk in a normally nice part of town. 

So, consequence number one of legalization in my town has been a totally overwhelming amount of vagrants and homeless people and a scarier and less safe town.

Consequence number two of marijuana legalization (in no particular order) is violent crime.

Did I mention that there is a lot of money to be made off of this drug?  There is. Even if you insist that marijuana is an herb, it can still be sold on the street as a drug and people will hurt (and kill) other people for it.

Every year there are numerous instances of violent home invasions or shootings involving marijuana grows.  This is not "safe".  This is not a victimless, loving, wonderful herbal remedy.  Marijuana and the cultivation of it is BIG BUSINESS and people will kill for it.

I have heard stories of families (yes families will grow with children in their homes, I have seen it over and over again) held at gunpoint while their crop is stolen.  I have seen documented cases of people shot and killed in our national forests because they came upon an illegal grow.  (While marijuana cultivation is legal in certain instances it is still totally illegal to grow it secretly in a national forest).  The big growers have big crops and they protect them with guns.  People get killed.  EVERY.  SINGLE.  YEAR.
Here is one.
And another.
And a home invasion.

In my local paper there are frequent invasions and shootings during harvest time.

Those that promote legalization often speak from the comfort and safety of their home in a place where marijuana will never be grown on a large scale.

Let me tell you what happens when you actually live here.  I live in quiet neighborhood close to the center of town.  Despite the fact that I am not very rural (where many of the big grows are) many of my neighbors still grow.  One night while nursing my baby to sleep at midnight I heard footsteps in my backyard just below my bedroom window.  Then I saw a flashlight beam.  Then footsteps again.

I woke my husband and I was freaked out.  I KNEW that somebody was in our backyard wandering around.  He went outside.  We called the police.  The police arrived and found the man wandering down the street a few blocks up.  He couldn't be charged of course.  By then he was just walking.

But the police told us that he was probably looking for hidden marijuana crops in our backyard or shed and they get many calls like this during harvest.  Maybe this is no big deal when you live elsewhere and you want to smoke a joint.  But this is incredibly scary when you have young children and you just want to keep them safe.  Especially when you know that people who are willing to break into a house or shed at night to steal weed might be capable of much more than breaking and entering.

Does just not feeling safe any more count as a valid consequence to this "herbal" legalization?

Another thing that has happened is that our national parks are not only no longer safe, but they are no longer safe from pollution.

It isn't legal for anybody to grow in the national parks, but once we cracked open the door to small scale personal grows for medical use the floodgates opened.  There are HUGE grows in the hills and forests around where I live.  These big and destructive grows seem to have started right around the same time that we legalized marijuana here. 

It is interesting to note that the normally crunchy people who promote marijuana cultivation (and love of the environment) forget about what is happening in our national forests because of this.

Now many people think that the big fix to all this will be (surprise!) full and total legalization.

I respectfully disagree.

We don't KNOW what will happen if this is fully legalized.  But we do know what has happened with legalization on a small scale.  In my town it has yielded more fear, more violent crime, more damage to the environment, and a few people making lots of money off of it.  Frankly, I find it hard to believe that those who grow are really doing this for the good of mankind.  They are doing it for money.

I pay bills too.  I understand the need to feed a family.  I know many people who smoke or grow marijuana.  I don't actually (surprise again!) care about that or have a problem with it.  Everybody gets the right to live their life and their beliefs how they see fit.

But we need to be honest about this.  We don't know what will happen if we further legalize marijuana.  NOBODY could have predicted what has already happened here in Mendocino and the surrounding counties.  Nobody predicted this.  I voted to legalize and I had no idea this would happen.  When we discuss this on a national level we should at least listen to and acknowledge what is really happening to real people who live where marijuana is grown.  Please don't dismiss me.  Please don't dismiss these real problems. 

This is scary and it isn't OK. But the truth is, no matter what happens it won't impact most Americans.  In fact, the biggest impact it will ever have is right here where I live because this is where it is and has always been grown.

Personally, I wish it was illegal again.  Of course people would still do it, fine, whatever.  But there wouldn't be such huge grows.  Local law enforcement literally does not have the resources to shut down all these ILLEGAL grows.  Once a year the feds come in and bust people growing on in the national parks, but they always come back (with their guns).

The sad truth is that when we legalized marijuana in my home town we opened the floodgates to more crime, more death, more people coming here who overload public resources and have no investment in this economy.  We invited more fear into our lives.  It is one of the saddest things I have ever seen.

I wish we hadn't done it.

Photography Friday- Children at Birth

I love these two photos.  They show how children can be involved in a birth- even in unexpected ways!  I love birth and I love when families celebrate it for what it is and don't just fear it for what it can be.  That joy colors generations in their opinions and their approach to parenthood.

Enjoy!

Waiting!

The placenta!  Which is both amazing and, well, kind of gross!

All pictures from Sophia, Sonoma County photographer.  Used with permission.

Welcome to the Internet- You May Now Start Acting Like a Tool!

You know you want to act like one.

I think I am losing my faith in mankind.  My love affair with Facebook seems to have faded to a resentful, bitter relationship where I just feel trapped.  I want to leave but I just know HE can't live without me. 

You know what I am talking about.  You literally can't say anything on the internet without some idiot freaking out about their hurt feelings.  For instance, I shared a beautiful photo with a quote the other day.  The quote was this one:  "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind.”and was attributed to Howard W Hunter.  (Upon researching it, I believe the quote was actually in a statement made by the first presidency of the LDS Church and not attributed to one distinct person.  More later on how it is awesome to make fun of religion.)

Yes.  Somebody got ticked that the word "mankind" was used. 

No, they never went to college and learned about how in the English language the term "mankind" typically refers to all people.  (I remember being worried about stuff like that when I was like 16, but then I grew up and had  pay bills and worry about real stuff like eating.) These same people are also really ticked off about all romance languages and how they assign gender to random things like casserole and beans. 

So instead of just seeing a pretty picture and reading a nice quote that in essence says that being a mom is freaking awesome and as close as you can get to being like God, they got mad.  Also, somebody got mad because the baby was wearing a HAT.

HEAVEN FORBID that a baby wear a hat.  I mean who knows what could happen!  EEEEEKKKKKK!!!!  Never mind that the baby was all wet, may very well have been in a cold room (laboring women get hot and this was a new baby) and as a very small child can lose heat very quickly, never mind all that.  The important thing to do in this situation (that you are not actually in because you are just looking at a picture) is this:

A) Get offended.
B) Make a comment.
C) Be excited because everything you say matters.
D) Get more excited if it starts a fight on the internet.
E) Do a happy dance.

I am ashamed to admit that I made a few snarky comments back.

Yes.  I did.  (Head hung in shame.)  I "may" have said a few things about how  people who make comments like that are actually joy sucking leaches that make me want to throw my computer off a bridge and live in a cave where I can't get my eyebrows waxed anymore.  (And let's be honest folks, getting my eyebrows waxed is right up there with warm showers on my "things that make life worth living" list.  So you can imagine how upset I was.)

I am kind of disappointed in myself.

But who am I kidding.

It's the INTERNET!  Everybody can act like a tool!  Even me!

Everybody now has free reign to act like a jerk (preferably in public) at any given moment.  Also, sharing stupid opinions like they are facts is ENCOURAGED.  (Yes, I join in on the fun.  I can admit that I think my opinions are awesome.  Other peoples...not so much.)

Yes, internet jerkiness has risen to new levels in the recent past.  It is an exciting (if you are a harassment lawyer or just an old fashioned bully) time to live in.  I have even had an old "friend" start trolling the sites of my current friends telling them what to do and basically acting like she is in charge of everybody and everything because she happens to (yay for her!) exist.  Being on the internet automatically makes you in charge of the world!

THE FUN NEVER ENDS!

It's cool people.  Don't call the police.  Don't let it hurt your feelings or upset you.  There are no rules of common decency on the internet.  You are welcome to be the absolute WORST version of yourself.  In addition, other idiots will be happy to join you in your idiotness.  You can all do a big idiot party together where you get angry and make comments.  It's something special that around here we call a "Facebook thread". 

Sure, your mom may have taught you to be kind and stuff like that.  She may have told you to not say bad words in front of others or to avoid sensitive topics like religion, money or sex in a public place.  Your mom may have told you to only speak if you had something nice to say, otherwise, to  just keep it to yourself.  (Listen closely now.)  But in internet world- THOSE RULES DON'T APPLY. 

Around here on the internet you are actually ENCOURAGED to be as big a jerk as possible.  Sure, in the real world with real people who have, you know, feelings and faces, you can't act like that.  But on the internet there are actually no feelings and people aren't graded on things like kindness and decency, they are rewarded for being gifted in the art of "pot stirring" or "making others angry". 

So go ahead.  Talk about cutting off a penis or spanking.  Make fun of somebodies religion.  (Always a fun one!  I learn all kinds of fun things about my very own religion from people on the internet who have never actually MET a person of my religion or talked to them or read any of our beliefs.  But they know more than I do, and they learned it from a Facebook page!)  Act like because you thought it it must actually be a scientific FACT.  (This may actually make you money.  Just remember- GLUTEN IS THE ENEMY.)  It is important to also frequently be superior and condemn people who disagree with you as "judgemental".  (Never mind the fact that you are being judgmental when you act like YOU are the judge of everything and the determiner of all things worthy and good in the world.  Believe me, nobody will notice your hypocrisy!)  It is also important to act like your kids are perfect, your house is clean and your abs are flat.  (Remember- it is the internet so you can say whatever you want about yourself and since most of these people will never actually meet you in real life, everybody believes the lies!  How awesome is that!?)

Yes, go ahead and act like a tool.  On the internet, that is just the way to be.  You will be super popular.  It's kind of like 8th grade only you can put a fake picture of yourself up and pretend it is you.

ENJOY!

PS- I apologize to everybody who read this thread.  Yes I was talking about you.  No, I didn't mean it.  That is why I said it on the internet.  And yes, I know that gluten is in fact the enemy.

Amazing Dad Photos-

I love birth.  Not just because of the hormones or the baby or the "I did it!" moment.  Birth is a sacred event to me.  It should be cherished and loved and enjoyed, and not just by mom.

At some point I started wondering WHY I teach birth classes, write about this all the time, and work constantly to promote Birth Boot Camp, the birth education company I work with.  Months later I realized the answer.

I do it because birth matters.  It is a holy thing.  But it isn't just birth that matters, it is FAMILY.  There is nothing more important in the world.  If I can spend a few weeks with a couple in a birth class and they grow closer together, have a birth that teaches them the depth of their love and their ability to work together, and then can welcome a cherished child, then something amazing happened that day. 

There is nothing I would rather do than be a small part in the journey to parenthood for a couple.  And even if their birth doesn't go how they planned, if on that journey they learned something wonderful about themselves and their family, then it is still a win.

Fathers matter so much.  They shouldn't be sidelined or forgotten in the birth or the parenting process.  Fathers need to be honored and included.  They matter and they can make or break the experience for the mother.

Father's Day is fast approaching and I wanted to share a few pictures of dads in this blog post.  All are from Sophia at Sophia's Special Deliveries.  She is a doula, midwifery apprentice and birth photographer in Sonoma County, CA.  These photos are from different families and different situations but I love how they all show what an incredible thing a dad is.

Happy Father's Day to all you amazing men.  You are appreciated.

Enjoy!

THE moment!

Daddy...

Love seeing dad be right there and part of the process. 

Pure, exhilarating beauty.

Quiet support. Sometimes that is the best thing a partner can do.

YES!

Happy Father's Day! Thank you Sophia for your permission to share your amazing work and the beautiful families.

Over Thinking Parenting

Enjoying life.  From Sophia's Special Deliveries in Sonoma County.

As I look back on my former concerns as a mother I have noticed something beautiful.  Most of the things that I once worried about concerning my children's behavior eventually resolved. Some of those old worries include:

-Biting
-Potty training
-Tantrums
-Listening
-Fighting
-Hitting


The list goes on and on and on.  I have probably obsessed, worried, talked about and even prayed about all of the above topics and then some.  One thing that I have noticed as time has gone on though is that many of the things we worry about as parents are very often NOT worthy of our time and emotional energy.

I am on my fourth two year old now.  This is honestly kind of amazing!  I can't believe it.  In a lot of ways I love two year olds.  I find them infinitely more wonderful than the horrid 18 month old.  (The time from mobility to about one and a half is just very not fun with my kids.)

One thing I have noticed on my fourth time around with a toddler is that I don't even have much time to THINK about the above things, much less obsess over them.

I read somewhere recently a mom asking what she should do with her biting toddler.  It made me realize suddenly that I too have a biting toddler!  I honestly hardly even noticed it.  I can't say baby number four is an outrageous biter, but sometimes when she wants something and doesn't get it she has taken to biting at whoever is closest to her.

And you know what?  It doesn't even phase me.  I pull her away and say a firm, "Don't do that.  It HURTS me!  OUCH!  Stop."

That's it.

No obsession.

No wondering if she will in fact become a serial biter.

No midnights waking in a cold sweat worried that she is somehow prison bound because she gets upset and then tries to take a chunk out of another human being whom she loves.

You know why I don't worry about it anymore?

Because eventually kids stop biting.

They also eventually do other things like:

-Potty train (Well, I assume they do.  My almost four year old still seems to not give a crap about that but I now consider this a personality glitch.)

-Stop throwing tantrums (or at least they decrease in size, frequency, and public presence.  Let's be honest, even adults throw tantrums on occasion.  I have seen grown women with grandchildren actually stomp their feet.)

-Stop hitting (OK- this is harder for some kids than others.  But they learn.)

-Fighting (My kids haven't stopped fighting yet but I am a grown up and I can honestly say that my two brothers with whom I spent a good chunk of my life fighting are now two of my most favorite people in the whole freaking world.  So I am pretty sure that sibling relationships can be wonderful and it helps a little if you aren't all competing for the same resources of time/food/love/toys/etc every single day.)

Biting and dirty pants and screaming in the grocery story- they aren't fun things.  We can't just ignore them.  It is important to care about motherhood and parenting.  It is important to want our children to grow up to be wonderful human beings.  But as time has gone on I have realized that many if not most of the things I worry about with my children eventually resolve themselves.

And...I am starting to think that they resolve themselves despite me, not because of me.

The truth is that life, especially the life of a child, is full of stages and phases and growth and change.  This applies to both the GOOD and the BAD.

Let's take biting.  Children are naturally oral when they are born.  They seem to process almost their entire world through their mouth.  They eat constantly, they bring their hands to their mouths.  As time goes on they put everything in their mouth in order to learn about it.

When they get big enough they get teeth and often they will try them out.  This is especially true of toddlers.  Toddlers also discover that the things that THEY do can change the behavior of those around them.

The natural thing to do when this power to impact people collides with a non-verbal yet very oral child is...Yup, you guessed it- BITE.

So many kids will try a few bites.  Not all.  But many.  Some seem to like it more and I am sure that in excessive amounts that biting can be a problem or indicative of something much deeper.

But in most normal children biting is just a phase and it will PASS.  Probably on it's own.

You don't need a parenting book to figure out how to deal with this.  It often deals with itself.

I am of course not a parenting expert.  In fact all proceeds of this blog are put in a special investment fund set aside specifically for my children's future therapy bills and/or flight money so they can travel to various talk shows to chat with abnormally good looking strangers about how their mother sucked.  (Donate today!)

No I am not a parenting expert but I am willing to bet that most of the annoying/worrisome things that your and my children are doing will just pass with time.  The bad news is this is also true with the AWESOME things they do.  Yes, wonderful behavior is a phase too.

So you know what- don't over think everything.  Kids change.  They do annoying stuff and then eventually they stop.  Let them know when it is inappropriate, but try not to lose sleep over it.  Eventually things will change and move on and then change again.  There will always be another challenge.  You know what?  You eventually won't have the time or the emotional energy to waste on something that is going to resolve itself eventually.

The sad thing is that worry and obsession over stuff that doesn't really matter is a waste of time and energy and JOY.  I think I could probably be enjoying so much more than I currently am if I just stepped back and remembered that this too shall pass.

"This too shall pass."  That is one of my favorite phrases of all time and it should be written in needlepoint on every wall of every mother around the world.

Don't over think parenting.  I ruins it.