Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Potty Training: Some Things Are OK To Lie About

If my kids had a cool outhouse like this, then I would make them potty train even earlier!

I think I have potty trained my last child.

Sure, I just cleaned up a gigantic crap off of her a few hours ago, but she is fully potty trained and has been for months.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The truth is that I lie about potty training.  I don't lie about much as anybody who knows me in real life could tell you.  Actually, I think people might actually wish I were less honest...But I do lie about potty training.  Maybe "lie" isn't the best word.  I use positive thinking when I talk about potty training.

Here is the basic format for how this works.

1.  If a child goes to the potty in the toilet ONE TIME, then they are considered potty trained.

It's really that simple.

If I know that you are capable, even once, of going doo doo on the potty, then I am throwing out the diapers, buying you underwear, and packing extra clothes with me instead of those horrid "environmentally friendly" cloth diapers.  

My kids all "potty trained" around the age of two- some before because I have mostly GIRLS- (I can't believe some people bad-mouth girls.  Lame.)

(As an aside, yes, I still call it potty training and not "potty learning" or some other secretly offensive gentle parenting, "I'm so afraid I will ruin my kid by trying to train them to dump in the toilet instead of my car", politically correct pile of smarmy, "I pretend to be a perfect parent" phrase.  Yeah.  I call it potty training.  I am still shocked that people call it something else.  If calling potty training by it's name, "potty training" is the thing that ruins my kids, then I will give you all a million dollars because I can G-U-A-R-A-N-T-E-E that I have done worse.  I guarantee it.)

Anyway, I almost forgot what I was actually writing about there for a moment.

So, it is actually OK to lie about potty training.

I have another thing to tell you.  "Pull-ups" are DUMB.  Did I capitalize the word dumb?  Because what I meant was DUMB.  Pull-ups are dumb and they were invented so that we could keep our kids in diapers until about the end of time AND have the added bonus of paying double for the privilege.

I will admit, I have actually purchased said Pull-ups a few times over the years.  I wish I could say I bought them because I am kind and concerned about how the kid's ego might take a hit if they know that they are still wearing a velcro diaper.  No.  That isn't why I bought them.  I don't care about stuff like that (as you probably figured out) and I am pretty freaking sure that kids don't either.  No, I bought Pull-ups because I am lazy and I wanted my kid to be able to put their own stinking diaper on all by their lonesome.  (Did I mention that the kid wearing the Pull-up was actually already potty trained?  Yeah, they were.  It was for NIGHTTIME!)

Which brings me to my next point-

2.  Even if a kid still pees the bed at night, they are technically potty trained.

My mom would argue with me on this one.  She says my kids aren't "fully" potty trained until they no longer wet at night, but I call foul on that one.  Because, remember, they are actually officially potty trained when they go wee on the pot even ONE time.

Anyway, peeing the bed can go on for like years and years.  In fact, I may have wet the bed recently.  That place just gets so nasty with all those kids rolling around all the time, I never know what is up in there these days.

If I waited to call my kids potty trained until they were done with night pissing (I just said a bad word.  DANG IT!) then I would never be able to call them potty trained.

(If anybody gives me tips on this that include Chiropractic care- [covered on that one!] or sacral therapy, I am going to un-friend you.  I don't want to get all crazy up in here, but it is true.  Some things I just can't stand for.)

And of course, I have another point.  (Don' t worry, I am winding up here.  We will be done soon and you can get back to your regular old life cleaning up other people's bowel movements.  Don't rush me.)

3.  Everybody has accidents.

Not me of course, because I am like a Kegeling/Squatting QUEEN!  But you know, other people.  Even adults have accidents.  Especially when jumping jacks, trampolines, coughing, running long distances, or sneezing are involved.  (I don't personally know about this, but a "friend" mentioned that it was a problem for people who have like four kids in six years.  Who knew?!)

Where was I?  Oh yeah, everybody has accidents.

If you make somebody hold it long enough (or did I mention trampolines?) then they will take a giant wiz in their car seat.  Don't worry- still potty trained.  Pee just wants to come out.  Sure, it is always tempting to freak out when somebody pees in a freshly cleaned car seat/bed/floor/carpet/trampoline (did I mention trampolines yet?) or whatever.  But accidents happen and while they are annoying, they are much better than putting a diaper back on.  Putting a diaper back on is like admitting defeat.

And I will not be defeated!

I once heard my husband telling one of our children when they were a little infant, "Enjoy your diaper now, because in a few months mommy will want you to go on the potty."

I think he was exaggerating.  I mean, I am not crazy.  Crazy would be if I ENJOYED wiping butts and swishing cloth diapers in my toilet while the little splatters of water whacked me in the face.

That would be crazy and so I am decidedly NOT crazy.

Potty training.

Lie about it.  You won't regret it.    

3 comments:

Sarah Flandro said...

I loved this!! It is sooo relatable. I always thought Pull Ups were a total waste. Not quite a diaper but not real underwear either. My 3 year old pissed the bed 3x/week minimum up until this year. After going through a million loads of laundry and buying a plastic liner for the bed (eww) she finally got the hang of it. Now if I can just get her to thoroughly wipe her own ass, I'll be one happy mama. ;)

xo, Sarah
Hustla, baby.

momto5 said...

LOL ahhh i can so relate.

Melissa said...

I have ten children, eight of whom are trained. You have just chronicled the story of my LIFE. Few things on the internet make me literally laugh out loud, but this was definitely one of them!

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