What Not To Say When You Are A Mom
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| Found here. |
As you navigate your way through motherhood you may find that there are a shocking number of topics that inspire the ire of others. No longer are religion, politics, and money the only off limits topics- parenthood has added a whole host of others.
And so, to avoid you pain and suffering, I have compiled a short list, each containing:
1) What we say
2) What we are thinking, and
3) What other people sometimes assume we are thinking.
Ahem.....
What not to say while pregnant:
"I am planning a natural birth!"
What you are thinking:
"I am going crazy reading and studying about birth! I am taking a birth class and I am planning a natural birth! I am a little scared and a little excited and kind of nervous but I just want to talk to other people about this!"
What people hear:
"I am planning a natural birth. Therefore, if you didn't have a natural birth, I think I am better than you. YOU SUCK!"
I am not kidding. Few things inspire the hatred or mocking of other like a declaration of a planned natural birth.
What not to say:
"I am planning on breastfeeding."
What you are thinking:
"I am planning on breastfeeding."
What people hear:
"I am planning on breastfeeding and if you gave your baby an ounce of formula then you are a devil woman!!!!"
How we feed our babies can somehow be an accusation of worthiness as a mother, as the recent TIME article has so aptly illustrated.
What not to say when you have a baby:
"I am SO tired!"
What you are thinking:
"I am so tired and overwhelmed. I had no idea that motherhood would be like this. I need help but I don't want to ask for it. Why does it seem like everybody else is rested and skinny right now?"
What people hear:
"I am so tired. Please tell me what I am doing wrong. I want your advice and instruction on (depending on your friend) A) how to sleep train, or B) why I should/shouldn't be co-sleeping, or C) what I am doing wrong. And if you have time, please tell me how much better your children were."
My only advice- be careful who you complain to. Choose people who "get it" and can give good advice or helpful service.
What not to say after birth:
"I had a natural birth!"
What you are thinking:
"I had a natural birth! It was the best day of my life. It was hard but wonderful and I want people to know that they can do it too! I want other moms to feel this confident!"
What people hear:
"I had a natural birth. I did it because I know more than you. If your birth experience was not natural then you are inferior."
I still totally talk about natural birth. I assume my friends know that though I have a wicked mind sometimes, it isn't usually directed at them.
What not to say:
"I am a stay at home mom."
What you are thinking:
"I am a stay at home mom. I love it but it does sometimes make me want to curl into a fetal position and cry for lack of adult contact. Please don't think I am lazy."
What people hear:
"I stay home with my kids because I love them more than other people. Everybody who has kids and works is greedy and selfish."
Is it just me, or does it feel like you can't say anything anymore?
What not to say:
"I have kids and I work for pay outside my home."
What you are thinking:
"I am a working mom. I love it but sometimes it is hard and I miss my kids. Plus, I still clean the house all the time and curling into the fetal position and weeping sounds good every once in a while."
What people hear:
"I am a working mom. If you stay home with your kids you must be lazy or rich. Shame on you! Bad feminist!"
~~~
News flash everybody- WE ALL HAVE STRUGGLES!!!! Even if we work for pay, even if we stay at home. We all have struggles. We all need friends and we can no longer divide ourselves into mom "cliques" like in high school. Remember when your friends had to listen to Jimi Hendrix or you couldn't be friends with them anymore? It isn't like that any more. We can't/shouldn't only like people who birth like us, parent like us, or think like us.
I wish we could all just TALK and really LISTEN and HEAR one another rather than inserting our own worries into the words of another. Of COURSE we all have cruel and judgmental thoughts. We still need each other. We learn and we grow and we get humiliated and humbled along the way. Life does that- we don't need anybody else to do it for us.
Life is too short miss out on all the friendships we could be having.
(Disclaimer- I realize I am not actually psychic. My husband has mentioned this once or twice. The point is I hope we stop reading into people's words so much and stop taking offense. Just in case you wanted me to spell it out. )
(Disclaimer- I realize I am not actually psychic. My husband has mentioned this once or twice. The point is I hope we stop reading into people's words so much and stop taking offense. Just in case you wanted me to spell it out. )
Comments
I want a homebirth!
and also:
I wanted a HBAC, but ended up with a c-section. I cannot count how many times I was told "at least you have a healthy baby!", made to feel like I am ungrateful and selfish, and also why would I want to have a baby naturally anyway? It HURTS (unlike those easy breezy cesareans! *sarcasm*)!! I've even been told TWICE by TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE (both family too!) that they KNEW I'd have another cesarean, despite having planned a home water birth. If they know so much, maybe they should have told me ahead of time and I could have saved myself the trouble!!! *rant over*
Awesome post, so true!
I almost went there but I don't have experience from that side of it so didn't feel like I could offer that voice. But yes- it comes from both sides.
Miranda, I know how you feel; my story's a lot like yours.
Anonymous at 7:51 PM, I'm so sorry people said those terrible things to you.
Second one was scheduled, but still did an emergency c-section 4 weeks early.
This is a WELL written article. Thank you!! I don't care how you parent, as long as you're protecting your children and raising good citizens (which of course everyones idea of "good" is different, but that's a whole other topic LOL!) The same thing doesn't work for everyone!
There is not one choice we can make as parents that someone, somewhere, won't judge us for. Someone will think we're wrong, someone will think we're crazy, someone will think we've sold out, someone will think we're not going far enough. We can't win. So we just have to do the best we can for us, for our children, and let other people's judgments go.
like just because i had a UC doesn't mean i think i am better than anyone, or that i am "more crunchy" i am not in a contest, i just did what worked for me and my family. i breastfeed, BUT i don't think i am a better mother than someone who didn't/couldn't. but i want to talk about it, tell my experience. just like i am sure other moms want to do as well, just talk and have someone listen. i wish we could do that.