Attachment Parenting is Beautiful, Except for When It Sucks
Attachment parenting. I am afraid to blog about this because I admittedly have a love/hate relationship with it.
Be forewarned, this is just MY thoughts- others probably feel really differently. Why am I talking about this? Well, I think sometimes all we hear from attachment type mamas is roses and hearts and babies that never cry. We all want to sound so loving and kind all the time that we leave out the parts we struggle with.
This is fine, there is nothing wrong with staying positive. But it can make a mother who is struggling, really feel alone and like a failure when it looks like everybody else is just sailing through Perfect Parenthood 101.
And so, these are my personal experiences with both the pros AND the cons of attached parenting.
Baby Wearing-
What I love about it-
I loved wearing my first baby. When I went to the store he was always so content in his little pouch sling. Everybody thought I had the happiest baby. I loved it so much I sold slings for a while. I gave them to every mama I knew at their baby showers. It does seem to facilitate breastfeeding, being in touch with your babies needs, and encouraging mothering hormones. My babies always seem content in their slings or pouches.
BUT-
The more babies I have had, the harder baby wearing has been for me. I often walk for miles each day and there is not a carrier on the planet that makes it comfortable to wear a 20 pound baby for two miles walking much less a three mile run while pushing a double jogger and walking the dog. I am not ashamed to admit that my stroller is a much loved possession. I can't fathom why people hate strollers actually. If I didn't have one I would have gone totally bonkers and been stuck at home for the many times I have had no car.
Another thing I learned with one of my babies is that not all babies like to be worn in a sling. I used to think that mom was just "doing it wrong" but the truth I discovered is this: All babies are different. Some really do seem to enjoy their own space. I wouldn't have believed this if I hadn't had a baby like that, but it was shockingly true for me.
Plus the stroller doesn't make my back hurt.
Co-Sleeping-
People LOVE co-sleeping. It is apparently some sign that you actually love your kids. We have slept with all of our kids at one time or another, some for years, and others more sporadically. It can be a wonderful relationship and can encourage some very sweet moments.
It does make breastfeeding easier, it does make it easy for nighttime bonding and for some babies it is the only way they sleep.
BUT-
I have had babies love this and others that simply will not settle next to me. This is not a solution for every baby, in my experience. Some of my babies didn't like sleeping with us until they were around the age of two. Children don't always fit the books, even if they were written by Dr Sears.
Our family bed sometimes contains 6 people in a full size bed and is VERY friendly, very cramped and, frankly, pretty difficult to sleep in. I realize that some mamas sleep better with the kids in the bed, but this isn't always the case for me. I love the sweet cuddly moments, but I also like deep sleep and time with just my husband after a long day.
I often hear attached parents talk about how their sex life is still "great and exciting and spontaneous!!" even though there is always somebody else in their bed.
Sex on a tile floor might sound like fun when you are 20 and newly married, but frankly, in your thirties, it is just painful. The truth is, it CAN impact the sex life and intimacy. My husband ends up on the couch frequently because we just run out of room on the bed. Co-sleeping with babies can be lovely and sweet, but frankly, I sometimes miss cuddling with my hubby. Yes, you can do both, but it isn't always as easy as some people make it out to be.
Tandem Nursing-
I love breastfeeding and think it is worth any effort to make it work. Really, I think it is one of the most important things you can do for your baby if possible. The benefits are endless both for health and emotional well being.
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| Photo courtesy of Mae Burke Photography in DFW |
BUT-
My last pregnancy was unexpected and happened around the one year birthday of my third child. She was still nursing like a champ and then suddenly- she wouldn't touch me. I felt endlessly guilty. I felt like I was taking away her babyhood. But the more I tried the more strongly she refused.
I thought that I would be able to nurse her until she was "done" on her own, but I couldn't. I am sure that the pregnancy changes caused her to prematurely wean. Obviously some women are able to successfully do this- but some are not. Also, the first week or so, when I was feeling ill and she still liked to nurse, was EXHAUSTING. I wouldn't have quit because she was so young, but I don't blame any mom who does, especially if the baby is past a year.
For me, I wouldn't get pregnant on purpose until my last baby had weaned themselves, just in case the older baby hated the milk changes that happen with pregnancy.
Attachment Parenting Past Infancy-
I don't even know what this means. Really, I don't. When I had a baby I thought newborns who scream for no obvious reason must be the hardest child to parent. Then they got older. My oldest is seven now, and I still don't know what I am doing.
Sometimes I think, "What a wonderful child! Something is working!"
Other times I am sure I am failing all over the place. I hear them say things I am sure they heard come out of my mouth and I worry for the future of mankind.
I don't think parenting is ever easy, but it is always changing. No is a word I use a lot. Time outs- done that. Discussions- done that. Yelling- umm.....no comment.
You know what I have found- NOTHING works all the time. I hear people saying that peaceful parenting doesn't work and I hear people saying that spanking doesn't work. Frankly, I can't think of anything that is 100% fool proof and works for every child all the time.
Children are not a test and applying a "technique" isn't going to always do the trick. Beyond that, I just can't say that what I am doing is working- because guess what- MY OLDEST IS ONLY SEVEN! Ask me in 40 years how it worked, and I will let you know.
***
I love my babies so much and I try to give them all the love they need. I love the idea of the perfect attached parent. Sadly, I have found that sometimes I just can't do it the way it seems it should be done. Maybe this is because I have had the babies too close together, or because I don't get enough sleep, or because I need more help. Maybe it is because I am not patient enough or because babies don't all fit in any certain box.Whatever it is, I am trying. I need to try harder too. I hope that we all are and I hope we can find some balance that gives the kids a loving sense of presence, the ability to be independent and grow, and leaves time and space for a happy and healthy marriage and mother. Good luck. I know I need all the luck I can get.
(I need to give some love to Confessions of a High-heel Wearing Hippie Mommy whose post got me thinking. Check her out!)
Comments
We needed some time to stretch out in our bed and maybe even have sex .. alone.. IN OUR BED. So I put the boys to sleep in the living room. Sometimes they sleep on the couch, sometimes on the floor. The big one is currently stretched out on one end of the couch and his brother has nursed to sleep on me. When I go to bed little one will join his brother or go on a blanket in the floor. When they wake up they come down the hallway, the big one stops to pee on his way through, the baby gets a diaper when he comes to bed (potty training) and they will spend the rest of the night in our bed :) Co-sleeping WIN :) LOL : ) So just an idea for those who need some solo bed time but still co-sleep... it takes some time for them to learn to walk down the hall to our bedroom but now that they have it figured out.. NICE :)
I think something that makes it much, much harder for all of us trying to implement this lifestyle is that our culture (industrialized, '1st world' human culture) is completely unsupportive of this normal, healthy, co-evolved way of raising children. Hopefully, the more of us that rediscover our parenting instincts, the more the culture will change and re-adapt. I really believe we would have an easier time of things if our society was oriented in a way that supported our hard-wired evolutionary norms.
I actually do love co-sleeping but sometimes I want to scream when my son wants to stay latched on just because I happen to be right there. He sleeps fine in the bed alone with me in the next room but if he can smell me, he wants to comfort nurse every hour. Often I can sleep right through it but sometimes I've had a hard day and I really want to just snuggle with my husband! Sometimes *I* want to be the baby and *I* need comfort and to be held!
I'm so with you on strollers. I wish I would have worn my newborn more and with my next one I definitely will, but around the time my son could sit up on his own we got a stroller and he LOVED it. He still loves taking walks in it at 14 months - the only time he wants out is so that he can run around, not to be held. I almost didn't have a stroller. We didn't buy one because OMG I was going to wear my bibi all the time AP 4 life. My mom gave me a secondhand Graco she found and it is still my favorite piece of baby gear. I can't wear my 27-pound 'baby' out to get the mail without a sore back, let alone on a freaking walk.
I feel like the important part of attachment parenting is responding to our children and their individuality, and being available to them. Unfortunately it gets super cliquey and competitive, especially online. Trying to force families into parenting that doesn't fit their lifestyle leaves everyone feeling anything but secure.
I was so for the attachment parenting on my first (now 22 months) and read up all my dr. Sears. Then I got a high needs baby who didn't particularly like cuddles, loved stretching out in her own space (with us nearby of course), hated slings, hated being held by anyone except us,slept terribly and breastfed all the time. She was so different to my friends babies and I often wondered what I was doing wrong. Well she's now a chatty confident cuddly sociable toddler who loves nothing better than to sit and cuddle mama, or play away independently when we're doing chores. What eventually worked for us was (gasp!) a fairly strict routine and predictablity. Not what I had originally chosen for her, but rather what she chose and needed herself!
No. 2 due for Christmas so we'll be playing that one by ear. :)
Mothers have to stop policing themselves as if they are constantly not good enough because they have to adjust as their family grows or their child needs tell them something else. All the doubting they might be harming their child by not following some invented rules about attachment parenting is not a healthy state for any mother or child to live in! Lighten up on yourself, let go of the dogma and your children will appreciate it in the long run.
Perfect timing too.
I'm learning to just do the things that work with my child...with my family and not feel pressured to "fit into a style" of parenting, because it doesn't always work.
I was so upset that I wasn't able to breastfeed my son and resented that I wasn't 'bonding'. I didn't want him having a pacifier - that went out the door, too. I expected that he would sleep through the night by two months - HAHAHAHA! Try 18 months!
Along came DD... and the two couldn't BE more different. While I didn't try breastfeeding her, she slept through the night at 2 months, had the colic he didn't, talked before him, and was a totally social baby.
Babies are people with their own likes, dislikes, quirks, and issues, just like us. The BEST parent isn't one who follows a fad, or a book, or a class - they're the one who looks at their child and realizes they are unique!