The Real Reason I Birth At Home
Do you really want to know why I choose to have my second child out of a hospital? There were actually a few factors. But I actually had a great hospital birth experience. I had nothing to complain about. I pushed for four hours in many positions. Nobody even mentioned drugs or a c-section to me. The midwife was wonderful and the nurse was quiet and kind.
No I didn't choose an out of hospital birth because I had a traumatic birth experience or because I was afraid I couldn't do it in hospital. I figured I could show up late enough and be committed enough to have the baby naturally. The reason I choose to never go back to a hospital was because of the post-partum experience.
This video shows a great example of a very typical postpartum experience for a baby and mother. (Note that this is not the case in all hospitals- some can and do wait for some of these procedures if asked to. Some are actually much worse than this but this is probably pretty typical.)
You know what, I think most women don't even remember this happening. It all just takes a few minutes but those few minutes are precious and can not be replaced.
I actually was able to hold my baby right away and attempted to nurse him while I was being stitched up. I know some things were done in the room but I don't remember quite what. He was not ready to nurse right away though and once I got cleaned up I was moved up to the recovery floor of the hospital. Once there the nurse asked if they could take my baby to do all the typical newborn "stuff" or "procedures."
I had her assure me that they would bring the baby back quickly. I had my husband go with him to keep him company. I thought that it would be fine if at least his dad was with him to keep him safe and to be a voice of comfort.
But it wasn't quick. My son was gone for at least an hour. I honestly don't know how long it was in the haze of post birth hormones. I know they told me to get some sleep. You would think that after three solid nights of labor during which I never got any solid sleep I would have just hit the pillow and been out. You would be wrong. I was on that natural birth "high" and was almost jittery. I had so much energy and I just wanted to hold my baby.
I realized afterwards that my baby probably just wanted to be held too. My husband stayed with him and he was poked and bathed and scrubbed and heated and had goop applied.
By the time they brought my swaddled little baby back to me he was sound asleep. I was exhausted by then too, the birth high and brief time of awareness having passed. He slept and slept and slept. He was difficult to even wake to nurse. Thus began a vicious cycle of jaundice, sleepiness, and lack of interest in nursing.
I wept over him for hours trying to get him to nurse.
I was lucky enough to have support and a strong desire and everything worked out in the end and he nursed well and until he was two. But I understood why women quit in those early days of struggle.
I also wept because I felt no connection to him. This is awful to say and don't often admit it but it is so important that it be talked about. I just looked at him and felt like he didn't like me. It did not even make sense. It wasn't rational and it wasn't fun.
My husband on the other hand felt so bonded with him. That time they had spent together while he was being bathed and cared for in the infant nursery (or baby concentration camp as it has been called) was special for him. Our son would calm and stop crying when he heard his daddy's voice. He recognized him from when he would read to us while I was pregnant.
I am so glad they had that time to be together and the special bond it gave them. But I should have had it too.
Now this may sound like some useless rant. Maybe I am some overwrought housewife complaining about nothing that happened years ago. But I don't think I am. I think what we do to babies in the minutes and hours after their births matters deeply. We are fine, my son and I- but if I could prevent one mom from having her baby uselessly taken from her for procedures that are either unnecessary or can be put off, then this is all worth it.
I can't prove to you that there is anything wrong with every infant being scrubbed, poked and having various foreign objects stuck into various orifices just as they come into a new world. I can't prove that it is terrifying or disturbing or harmful. But I can tell you that as a mother it is sickening to watch a baby be treated this way.
They have just emerged from a dark, fairly quiet, calm and protected watery place. They have been near (OK, inside) one person this whole time. They have heard her heart and her voice. They have been constantly fed by her and gently rocked everywhere she went. They will recognize this woman and her voice from birth.
There is something deeply twisted about going from that place and that one person into the hands of countless rough and scrubbing strangers rather than to her- that woman we call mother.
No matter how you feel about most of these infant "procedures"- even if you happen to think some of them are necessary- (most are not, most of the time) they can all pretty much wait. They can wait even for an hour or two. In fact, many of them don't need to be done at all.
No - your baby is not born filthy and in need of a vigorous bath. No he does not need a plastic bracelet on his writs. He does not need to be wrapped in a blanket, have tubes stuck down his throat or goop in his eyes. He will in fact survive if he is not weighed- EVER.
He will survive without all these things- and he will probably survive with them too. But the moments after birth are delicate and sacred. We as mothers and women must start protecting them both for our babies and for ourselves.
There are too many of us who feel like our babies are strangers. Too many of us struggle with breastfeeding. Too many of us have people whose names we can not even remember touch our babies before we do. Too many of us fail to question what are obviously upsetting procedures to the newborn.
Our first job as a mother is not to be polite and work with the system in every way. Our first job is to protect our babies from unnecessary harm and pain. We can change the way babies enter the world. Maybe they are right, peace on earth does begin with birth.
Comments
I had a great labor and delivery at the hospital with a supportive CNM and nurses who were telling me how awesome I was doing.
It's the postpartum stay that destroyed me. My baby was whisked away while I was getting stitched up for 2 hours. By the time he was back, he was asleep and I was beyond exhausted after being up for 2 days straight. Then straight to the nursery so "I could rest." And then "low blood sugar" and IVs and oxygen and formula and my son being kept in a warmer down a long hall too far for me to walk. No breastfeeding help. No sleep for myself from being poked and prodded. (I swear every time I got close to falling asleep it was time for my blood pressure to be taken again.) And all of this time I didn't even have my baby.
And then breastfeeding struggles, massive postpartum depression, bonding issues, yada yada yada...I'm birthing at home next time...and encapsulating my placenta. And no one is taking my baby away from me again.
I am a doula in Canada, and I have not seen anything that extreme here. good grief.
I've been struggling not only with the feeling of disconnection I had, but also with having those feelings in the first place -I guess I was told one too many times that I should be happy I have a healthy baby etc (blech).
Reading about your experience just shows how sensitive and fragile that time period is, and how much it really matters. Unfortunately, I've risked out of a homebirth for number 2 due in 2 weeks due to the complications the first time around, but this time, I will hopefully have an uninjured baby and the MW knows how absolutely essential that immediate time after the birth is for me. I'm even bringing my own towels for him to be dried with. And no one is dressing him but me in the clothes I'll be bringing, when we're ready.
Now, this nurse was actually gentle, compared to some videos I've seen. But it's not enough. Baby should be in mom's arms, period.
I quit the hospital for obvious reasons. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had too many patients that I couldn't take the individual time to bathe babies the way I wanted to and I didn't agree with the policies. I knew that none of the crap they were doing was necessary. I knew there was absolutely no reason for baby to be separated. And I didn't like HAVING to do it because it was the stupid hospital protocol. I think it's really easy to blame nurses because they're the ones following the STUPID protocol, but really they would get into trouble if they didn't.
I also want to note that I had a home birth and one thing that hit me hard (in a very good way) afterwards that I never expected was realizing that I was completely trusted to be this sweet little girl's mom. I didn't have anyone telling me what to do, when to feed her, counting the diapers and duration of feedings, etc. No one taking her away to do any tests, nothing. It made me realize how much the nurses put pressure on new moms. But being someone who knew how the nurses think and act and realizing that I didn't have to deal with any of that, but that I could make my own decisions regarding my daughter was VERY freeing. I felt so confident and I think that helped me bond with her even more. I've made all the decisions for her in her life and plan on doing so until she can make her own. No one else needs to make the decisions for her.
Anyway that was one of my favorite parts of my home birth. Just feeling completely trusted. Amazing.
My next baby was born at home, I pulled her right up to my breasts, she was in the arms of loving family (familiar voices) shortly after birth while I showered and rested (I was so weak I was scared I'd drop her and I just wanted to LOOK at her). She was grinning at every one (really newborn SMILING!) and would look to find me and smile (DH was holding her real close) ...She was carefully checked, weighted, washed (we did it right away because se had no vernix and it was late at night, I didn't want to sleep with a bloody baby. and gently dressed for the first time. So so different from the treatment her older sister recieved. Conveyor belt care: jerk out of the womb, roughly suctioned (caused nursing issues), cord cut, foot prints, BAM, diaper, hat, bam bam, swaddled and brought over to see me. I cry when I see the picture of her laying cold and alone in the OR table being weighted. Her face looks SO miserable.
This baby will be born at home (if all goes well) and I again look forward to those magic hours after birth where baby is snuggled and loved and we curl up and sleep together in the comfort of our own bed.
There was a tech, though, who did come to do the second heel stick (after baby got some time in the UV box) who got pretty pissy because my husband told her that she couldn't take the baby to another room, that she could do it right there with us holding our daughter. She muttered the whole time that it was against policy, but when she was done, she said with surprise, "She didn't cry. Not a sound. Amazing. They always cry." We didn't say anything--we were just glad to see her go. My husband swears that the nurse stepped out of the room to call security because he'd raised his voice to the tech, though I suspect she was going to call the doctor.
Jump ahead 10 or so years and my babies never left my sight from the time they were born.
And I'll tell you a little secret - I didn't speak up because I was afraid they'd call CPS on me! Now THAT is horrible.
Those towels they use to scrub baby as hard as they can? They're NOT soft, not in the least. I took a shower post partum with the same towels and they HURT when I rubbed my skin too hard. POOR BABIES!!!
My manager *loved* the idea and took it to the next level, who also loved it, so hopefully something will come out of this. :) It's *much* more cost effective too, because babies go home faster.
And thank you for writing this, as my wife and I are TTC, and there's no way in hell I'm letting anyone take my baby away from my wife after it's born. I spend enough time with critically ill babies where we have to do things OMGNOW, that there's not a reason on earth someone could give me to make me give by baby up hours after it's born.
PS I just shared a link to it with my readers yesterday. Hope a few people stop by for a smart, sound and inspiring read.
Cheers!
And one could say with adequate evidence that the way babies are treated in this country is far less than thoughtful.
And one could say with adequate evidence that the way babies are treated in this country is far less than thoughtful."
You know what's equal to death camps/genocide/mass murder? Death camps, genocide, and mass murder. Words mean things. Using one of the most horrific events in human history to stir up the anger and fear of parents is disingenuous at best, and negates, in my mind, the good information you posted.
Brooke- I get that you don't like the choice of words, they are certainly extreme (though not originally mine). Maybe extreme is what is needed though for people to rethink how we handle the first moments of life.
I don't know what else to say- I was quoting Dr Bradley- If you find the way that baby in the link- and MOST babies- are treated in hospitals to be acceptable- then fine- but I don't.
We are however talking about the first moments of life here. They matter. Infant nurseries at the time when he (Dr Bradley) said that is where all babies went- they didn't see their mothers, they wouldn't have recognized them anyways, they were handled by strangers, scrubbed, had their genitals mutilated, and were fed fake bottled cow milk. Is that the same as a death camp-obviously not. But it is not pleasant, and it is not thoughtful- and you are calling me thoughtless? I have never ripped a baby from its mother whilst she lay unconscious, scrubbed it, cut it, and then fed it foreign food. But if you feel directing your anger at me is in anyway helpful to the situation, then feel free. IT doesn't bother me.
But I believe Dr Bradley did volumes in improving the birth experience (and making it safer) for millions of men women and children. He is a man who deserves our respect and gratitude.
Brooke- I get that you don't like the choice of words, they are certainly extreme (though not originally mine). Maybe extreme is what is needed though for people to rethink how we handle the first moments of life.
I don't know what else to say- I was quoting Dr Bradley- If you find the way that baby in the link- and MOST babies- are treated in hospitals to be acceptable- then fine- but I don't.
We are however talking about the first moments of life here. They matter. Infant nurseries at the time when he (Dr Bradley) said that is where all babies went- they didn't see their mothers, they wouldn't have recognized them anyways, they were handled by strangers, scrubbed, had their genitals mutilated, and were fed fake bottled cow milk. Is that the same as a death camp-obviously not. But it is not pleasant, and it is not thoughtful- and you are calling me thoughtless? I have never ripped a baby from its mother whilst she lay unconscious, scrubbed it, cut it, and then fed it foreign food. But if you feel directing your anger at me is in anyway helpful to the situation, then feel free. IT doesn't bother me.
But I believe Dr Bradley did volumes in improving the birth experience (and making it safer) for millions of men women and children. He is a man who deserves our respect and gratitude."
I think the majority of what we do medically is unwarranted. As I mentioned above, I agree with your post, and I think home birth is an awesome thing. My not wanting mass murder, eugenics, genocide, and death camps to be watered down to refer to anything that we consider awful has nothing to do with my agreement or disagreement with the way that babies are treated in the hospital. They are unrelated. My point is that, yes, it makes me quite angry to watch bloggers, news media, and anyone else conjuring up pictures of the worst events in human history to rail against things that are clearly not. They simply aren't comparable. I rail against rape jokes, too, if we're keeping track. Some things just aren't free for us to use to further our own causes, however good and valid and helpful the cause might be. That's all.
She was in the NICU for 15 long days. During her stay, because of all the stringent hospital regulations, she never felt like she was mine. This hospital was uneducated about kangaroo care and was not breastfeeding friendly. They would never let me even attempt to put her to the breast because they "needed to measure every ounce" that went into her.
We beat the odds. It took 8 weeks of around the clock pumping to keep my supply up, but 8 weeks after we left the hospital, my daughter finally latched. It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. Now she's 2 years and 9 months, and she's still nursing.
I'm early into pregnancy #2 and am praying for a complication free pregnancy so I can birth at home and have a better experience.
My hubby and I are expecting our first child now, and we have been trying to take in all possible info on the pros and cons of all types of birth.
Up until this point we've chosen Midwife over OB, and natural birth over the epidural, pitocin, c-section routine.. but we still have been thinking hospital birth.. You have given us something else to think about.. and I am so happy to have come across this point.. I hadn't even thought to ask the midwife what will happen to baby after he/she is born.
I started watching the movie before reading the rest of your post, and didn't know why I was watching it.. but it quickly became apparent, as I started having to look away, and was saying out loud "leave the baby alone!" It was a bad feeling! I can't even imagine if that were my own baby how I would feel watching that!
I can't thank you enough for sharing this.. I can't wait to share this with my husband, and talk to my midwife about it. Cheers!