11 Things Invented By People With No Kids

(Note- this list is not comprehensive or in any way correct. Feel free to be offended, especially if you are an inventor or if you have no kids.)

~Mini-blinds~ If I have to explain this you just wouldn't understand. (Don't those mini blinds in the picture look attractive? The ones in my house do not look like that anymore.)

~Nail polish~ Seems like a good idea. Until it is on your towels, floor, wall, clothing, etc. Or if you are at a place in life where you wash your hands compulsively (but you are not obsessive-compulsive, you are just always touching bodily fluids) and so applying it on yourself is a useless exercise.

~Easy to open refrigerators~ I have cleaned not one, but TWO eggs off the floor today. Yes, the 20 month old likes eggs. She just doesn't get that you can't eat them right out of the fridge.

~Ovens with all the knobs at waist level~ Really? Did anybody think this one through? A child under the age of two can do horrid things to a home when the knobs are accessible on a stove. I'm no stove engineer, but couldn't they just be up above the burners?

~Any food with food coloring or high fructose corn syrup in it~ I am constantly amazed at how quickly my kids get a cold or just plain act like lunatics after consuming something with this crap in it. It isn't even food. Don't put it in food. And don't feed it to my kids!

~All those "educational" toys~ Yes, I know that a good, responsible, loving mother is supposed to enjoy puzzle pieces, fake dinosaur bones buried in clay, and any toy that makes a huge mess or is easy to choke on. I guess I am just not at the top of my game when it comes to this. Why oh why am I perfectly satisfied with kids who play with sticks, empty toilet paper rolls or dirt? I must just not care about their education.

~Toys that light up or make noise~ Also known as "grandma toys" because grandma (or childless uncles I have noticed) are always buying these. Believe it or not, my life is actually quite loud and capable of inducing seizures or panic attacks WITHOUT the addition of toys that make their own kind of crazy. Again, I am just fine with brown boxes and imagination. Call me crazy.

~Batteries~ They seem like a good idea. Apparently they also seem like something that a toddler would really like to suck on too. Blech.

~Crayons~ I know. I sound grumpy today, don't I?! But crayons drive me nuts. They are often (depending on the age of the child) 1) Consumed (though it does make for very interesting diaper changes) or 2) Used to make art on the wall (Did I say I liked them to use their imagination? I meant, within reason.)

~Carpet~ I know, carpet seems innocent enough. It might even keep down the noise in a house or provide a nice cozy feel. It has a darker side though. Just go look at any of the apartments I have ever lived in. (Actually, considering how much I paid upon move out to replace the carpet, they should look beautiful by now.) Another fun fact- some types of yellow fruit punch, actually turn bright pink when spilled on white carpet. It's true.

~Lip Balm~ I confess, I was once a lip balm addict. I loved the stuff. I would buy it in bulk at big box stores. Those beautiful shiny tubes of flavored wax goodness could be found all over my house. Then I had a child (just one mind you) and......They just all got destroyed. Many were eaten. As it turns out they taste good. Also, they are super duper fun to stick your finger or other objects in. Also, that twisty thing on the bottom.....very cool. I don't even bother buying lip balm any more. I no longer have shiny lips that taste faintly of cherry.....Ahh, the things a mother sacrifices.

Well, I have to go now. My kids are outside riding bikes rather than playing with educational toys or common household items that for some reason contain acid. Ta ta for now!