Humbling Moment #547: Women With More Than One Child Are Not Actually Crazy
Maybe you have been there. I remember having my one toddler. I was so patient. So kind. He was always breastfed to sleep. He was worn in a sling. He was loved all the time. He never cried for long periods. I was such a great mom. It was nice.
I remember seeing other women with two or more children. "Why are they so crazy?" I would ask myself. "Why are they so overwhelmed?" Or a really great one, "Why do they keep having kids when they don't seem to be handling the ones they have that well?"
Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahah!!!!!!!
Sorry, I just needed to take a moment to laugh out loud at myself and my total arrogance and lack of understanding.
Fast forward. I now have three. There will be another one this summer. OH MY GOSH! Four kids.
I actually once saw a friend of mine take a tranquilizer because she was having such a hard time with her kids. I think I was just kind of in shock.
I get it now. I am not saying I take tranquilizers, just that I UNDERSTAND why you might want to on certain days. Just saying.
When you have more than one child you start to learn a few things:
~ You are not a perfect mom. Maybe with one you were. But not with three, and sure as heck not when you are full term and have a few others who can easily outrun you. Yelling starts to look REAL good.
~The first one (or second or third) was just easy. You were not actually doing everything right. It was actually just the child. (Oops on all the times you gave other women advice on how to get their baby to sleep through the night, huh?!) No, you don't have any special knowledge, you just got lucky.
~The other one, was just hard. You did not do anything terribly and horribly wrong. Neither did that friend you had with the "naughty" or "out of control" toddler. It was just a harder child or a difficult stage and you were just seeing them at a bad moment.
~Everybody has bad moments. You might have to have a few kids before you see yourself have a bad moment. But wait, it is coming. Sometimes you see a mom in one of her horrid moments. Don't judge her. It is just a MOMENT. She is not actually crazy and it will pass.
~Even though you appear nuts, you love your kids and want MORE. Yes, your hands are full. No you can not afford them. Yes, you sometimes mix up their names. This is not actually an indicator that you have trudged too far down the path of insanity. It is just LIFE. And life can be hard, but children are still awesome. You see the beautiful moments, where everybody gets along and where there is just a touch of the divine in your home.
~There is a reason women with more than one child say things like, "Yes, but I have 4 kids!" like it is an accomplishment. Or the other thing those mom's say, "You only have one."
They are not actually trying to insult you. They just know that with only one child there are a few things that you might not understand yet. And the whole. "I have X amount of kids comment," well, it is kind of an accomplishment. And it does explain some things in your life. Like the the messy purse/car/ or emotional state.
So, to all those mom's out there who I looked at with horror as you yelled or lost patience or cried in public. I apologize. I get it. I am getting mine. Thank you for actually making it look easier than it really is.
Comments
I was getting my car seats checked the other day and the 2 childless girls were just looking at me with pity as my 2 year old screamed his head off because I had to put him back in his seat. I just smiled at them, told them thank you for their help and drove off as quickly as I could. I wanted to tell them "He really is a good baby. He doesn't do this all the time!" but one day, if they have kids, they will understand!
So thank you for this.
Regardless of this, I love your post, like I always do :)
You may be interested in my twin birthing story...
http://spunoutpost.blogspot.com/2010/11/natural-birthing-of-twins.html
Peace:)
Have to get back to my volunteer work. We are doing "A Christmas Carol" & apparently I am the Production Manager, Stage Manager, Set & Prop Manager...& fixer of whatever. I was painting set stuff last night and have to do up my Set & Prop forms tonight as well as cue sheets!
Kerri
Good point about seeing a mom or child at a "moment". Sadly I would judge in the past but I had the same realization that what I am seeing is just a bad part of their day which may otherwise be great....
Mountain Doula- I see what you are saying- I have seen women smacking a small toddler at stores- that might be signs of much more than a bad moment. But I have also seen 1) women I know are good loving mom's who just happen to be pregnant, have husband gone extendedly, sick and overwhelmed who are having a moment, even a moment that can last months. I have also seen 2) women for the first time who I think- man she is nuts- and then I get to know them, and they are not bad mom's or always impatient. They are seriously just having a moment. I for sure have them. I try not to be a bad mom, but as a human, I too have rough times in life and sometimes it makes it next to impossible to be the best-
I know better now, and have gotten much better at dealing with my now-2-year-old son. I empathize with those moms who have more than one and think they are going nuts. I don't plan on having anymore (for both medical and financial reasons, plus the fact that we've got our hands full with the one as it is!).
And you're sooo right, I look back now and I realize my oldest was one of the most compliant children I ever met in my life. My daughter challenges me daily...no make that hourly. I'm sure I look like a horrible/lax/lazy mother with her since she is so unruly but truly no discipline in the world works with her. It's just HER.
I have cried, talking to my mom that when my babies were small I never imagined I could get so angry or react in the wrong way and I end up feeling so guilty. It helps to know that I'm not the only one.
Of course I will keep striving to do better. On those rough days I ask our Lord with sincerity to make me a better mom the next day.
Miss you in our LLL group here in Irving :) Congrats on your new pregnancy!
Then I'll say I've been there, done that and the question arises, "How many kids?" And I say, "Eight," and, suddenly, I either am treated like the Oracle or a madwoman.
Suffice to say, by the time you have eight, you have been through enough humbling moments to dare not judge and you have enough experience under your belt to start ralaxing.
My last was my ideal perfect child but I know enough to not take credit because her seven older siblings will keep me humble; thay think it's their *job.*
Oy...they never napped at the same time and alot of plans went out the window but the challenge was what made me stronger. I mean I am grateful I had to dig deeper and learn to deal with things as they came at me and do the best I could and be ok with it!
Now that big kid is 19, the 2 middle ones are beginning their teens, and the youngest is almost 7. I almost would think that I had it all down but life has a way of telling you "not so fast" . Now I'm back to work all day and the balancing act is all out of whack again.
I've finally reached the point that a screaming baby/child at a store or a restaurant doesn't make me judge but makes me want to help out. I regularly am the lady handing a little toy or a treat to a child and offering a kind look or comment to the mother. I still don't quite get how a mother can take 4 kids to a store, even at the ages mine are now I try to never take them into public together ;).
Thanks for the great reminder! The shared drama makes for some great stories and if we learn from it some great empathy for each other. here's to non perfect, real living moms!
I had 6 kids in 5 years... 2 sets of twins. And yep, my first was easy peasy. My second was a piece of cake. And these days, I'm lucky to shower more than twice a week. That should tell you something! ;)
I so get this!: )
I have four, although the oldest is 15 trust me it isn't all "the teenager must be so helpful" like everyone thinks! Not that she doesn't help but teenagers need their own parenting that takes just as much if not more energy... just differnt... anyway...
I look at myself sometimes and just have to stop and laugh, which is better than the crying that is the alternative...
Love my babies more than anything... doesn't mean I'm not a completely crazy person sometimes! : )
Loved the post! : )
Amanda
crazy mum to 4 crazy kids
Salute to all the mums who make it to the end of the day vaguely sane.
Yes I feel accomplishment and pride in producing not 1 but 3 handsome, lovely little boys - so there! You have to have some damn fine skills to handle more than 1 child - I take my hat off to all parents, but especially those with more than one child.
Thankyou for this article, I really needed to hear it. x
Cherie - Natural Mama NZ
Except, you know, some of us have only one child and won't have any more, either by choice or because the choice of how many to have was taken away from us. It IS hurtful to be told that I'm somehow less of a mom because I don't have a lot of kids, that my opinions on parenting are always to be taken with a grain of salt (or even condescendingly ignored) because I haven't had to apply my parenting skills to more than one child at a time.
The "yet" implies that I will learn these lessons in time, and that I will one day be in the position of wisdom that you are now. But I didn't get to make that choice, and a lot of other moms out there like me are just grateful for the one child they've got.
No offense meant towards you or any other mothers of one by choice or otherwise.
Nowhere did it say (nor was it implied, and I know since I wrote it) that a mother of one was somehow "less" of a parent nor that I didn't value them or their opinions.
I was simply poking fun at the humbling moments I have had as a mother and as I have faced some of my own judgmental ideas as I lived them out myself!
Much joy and happiness to you and yours.
Guess what? I learned those things early on with my first and only child. Your post assumes that all first babies/children are easy as pie. For many moms they're not. Especially when you're dealing with an extremely high needs baby. You really shouldn't put all first babies, or any other baby/child for that matter, in a cookie cutter mold. All babies are unique and some are hardier to handle than others.
Your posts really discredits good mothers who struggle with that first difficult child and have to hear comments like, "You only have one child. How hard can it be?"
Just to quote the blog that I wrote,
"The other one, was just hard. You did not do anything terribly and horribly wrong. Neither did that friend you had with the "naughty" or "out of control" toddler."
I think this is expressing sympathy for the mom who DOESN"T have the perfect child, not condemning those who don't. You may have had a hard first child, but many women have easy first babies and assume that it is not the baby, but in fact their superior skills, and say so often.
My first child was hard too- Nowhere did I say that all first children were easy.
AS the person who wrote it and the person who knows my own thoughts and intents best (far better than somebody who has never met me) I must say that that (saying the first child is easy or that single child mothers know nothing) was not my intent, thought, or feeling, nor is it now. Nor did I write that. Anywhere.
Maybe somebody with your exact experience in life would be less offensive to you than somebody who has done/thought/felt differently than you.
Different experiences yield different lessons learned.
I am simply blown away that a post meant in fun and poking fun at MYSELF has offended anybody. I would have been glad to read it with my first (who was difficult) because I would have found it comforting that I was not a failure but just had a harder, needier baby.
I hope you can find joy in your journey as a mother.
1. Everybody has "moments"
2. I'm totally in for it in a few months!
Thanks for the attitude adjustment!
I thought I was only going to have one child. And my first, to me, was a complete pain in the ass. I was 20 when he was born, I had no idea what to do with him, and I had done my "research" but at the same time I felt as though I hadn't had a chance to live my life yet (thanks for that, fate). I love him to death but I was nowhere near ready, and while I learned a lot while raising him, at the same time I was completely lost about so much when it came to how we should raise him, react to situations/problems, etc. And yes, people told me that he was my first, maybe my only, that I knew it was tough but I still didn't really know what it was like, and I got all insulted.
But it's true.
The opinions of moms who have one child aren't irrelevant or useless, but when opinions are given toward moms of more than one child, or we get those nasty looks, please realize that we have been where you are, raising one child, and know what it is like. Even if your ability to choose to have more biological children was taken from you (and please understand that I am VERY sorry, I cannot imagine what that feels like and I will not pretend to), you just.. Don't know what it's like to have more than one child. My second was no easier than my first, they're great kids and very smart and I love them to death, but the fact of the matter is that you DON'T know. You don't, and until you have more children either by adoption, surrogacy, or if you choose not to have any more, you just.. Don't know. I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm being honest - even if it's painfully so. Just as my opinions given to a mom with three are more are potentially useful but probably not, because I don't have three kids. I don't know what to do with them. I have NO CLUE.
Oh, and Mountain Doula, yikes. Really. We all have bad moments. That's horrifically judgmental of you.
Sarah, I thought this was hilarious, and you have a new reader for it. Thanks. :)
Debra Baker I love this quote from you, which is just a true statement, it's not comparing me/you to anyone else with or without kids: "you have been through enough humbling moments to dare not judge and you have enough experience under your belt to start relaxing."
It's like a mathematical formula. The more kids I have the less capable I become of judging any mother.
Yesterday we were playing a "mommy game" at a party and we had to write down one thing our mom's said that we said we'd never say. I wrote down "Because I said so!" My daughter, who is pregnant with her first, said "Because I said so!" LOL
I do agree with Jenn though, some of the statements were hurtful. Every mom is fighting a different battle and truly you do not know. Whether she has one kid, 20, or none. A friend of mine has 17 special needs children. I do not KNOW what her life is truly like. On the flip side, she does not truly know all the demons I face that impact my mothering. Let's love each other and support each other instead of playing "competitive child birthing." We are all doing our best, and even if someone has "just" one it often taxes us beyond what we think we can handle.