10 Taboo Crunchy Subjects- Read At Your Own Peril
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh, at yourself. ~Ethel Barrymore
So, you are a new soon to be mom?! Congrats! But let me give you a few pointers. The natural community is wonderful. But there are a few things you might want to avoid bringing up. Tread softly, there are a lot more hate inspiring subjects than just religion and politics. You would be amazed how angry the peaceful, cloth diapering, attachment crowd can be.
1. Santa-
I know- I was shocked too! How can anybody really hate Santa?! Well, it's not that they hate Santa, it's more that they hate "lying to their kids". I have even heard him referred to as "Satan"- cute letter inversion, wouldn't you say? They both wear red, they both sneak in your house, you don't want to sit on either of their laps.....the similarities are just endless.
2. Never ever ever ever in a million years mutter the phrase: "Joey is 17 months old and hates being rear facing, I am going to turn around his car seat." -
You will feel like you just got in a verbal car accident. I'm betting five minutes max before the phrase "Broken leg, cast it. Broken neck, casket. " is spoken. TWO YEARS OLD PEOPLE! Be forewarned.
3. Spanking-
This one is just too fresh for me. Needless to say, I was spanked a few times and I in fact DID NOT turn out OK. This is probably obvious. Why else would I commit blog suicide by writing this list? Something must have been shaken loose.
4. Circumcision-
You would be surprised how violent people who protect the foreskin sound when this word is mentioned in a positive light. Excuse me, genital mutilation. (I realize there is nothing funny about chopping off foreskin. But though I oppose the practice, I have seen people seriously considering doing it, because the rhetoric from both sides is so heated, they think everybody is lying. Food for thought.)
5. Sharing-
This one threw me. Some people make their kids share. Some don't. They are both SURE they are right. You might as well just say, "My favorite book is Mao's little red one" and then stand back. You may be called a communist. Just sayin'.
6. "I am considering an induction because I am feeling so uncomfortable" is the absolute last thing you should ever say to anybody who has ever taken a natural childbirth class.-
I admit, I still can't laugh at this one. I will HAVE to say something unasked for and unappreciated. Consider yourself warned.
7. Vaccines-
"But if they immunize, why do you need a booster?!" Also known as poison, monkey blood, aborted fetus parts, mercury, and egg yolks. If you don't know what I am talking about, just mention on a mothering.com forum that you are planning on vaccinating. Then stand back.
8. "I can't afford organic."-
Never say this either. If you really loved your kids you would sell crack to afford organic. Or grow it in your apartment window. Don't you care about them!?
9. Never tell somebody not to smoke pot when pregnant.-
I did a post on this once. Boy were people ticked. By the way, it is not a drug- it's a freaking HERB. I still refuse to change my mind on this one though. Don't do it!
10. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, working mothers, stay at home mothers, swaddling, boycotting, chemicals in diapers, fluoride, microwaves, weaning.....are a few more to round out your list of subjects to avoid with your best crunchy friend.
"When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another."
Alan Alda
(In case you missed it, I am trying to poke fun at our community, even though most of these subjects are ones that I feel strongly about too. Sadly, we push people away sometimes with our pet angry passions. You can still tell me how much you hate me in the comments, below. If not, remember, sometimes we take ourselves a little too seriously. Except for me, of course.)
So, you are a new soon to be mom?! Congrats! But let me give you a few pointers. The natural community is wonderful. But there are a few things you might want to avoid bringing up. Tread softly, there are a lot more hate inspiring subjects than just religion and politics. You would be amazed how angry the peaceful, cloth diapering, attachment crowd can be.
1. Santa-
I know- I was shocked too! How can anybody really hate Santa?! Well, it's not that they hate Santa, it's more that they hate "lying to their kids". I have even heard him referred to as "Satan"- cute letter inversion, wouldn't you say? They both wear red, they both sneak in your house, you don't want to sit on either of their laps.....the similarities are just endless.
2. Never ever ever ever in a million years mutter the phrase: "Joey is 17 months old and hates being rear facing, I am going to turn around his car seat." -
You will feel like you just got in a verbal car accident. I'm betting five minutes max before the phrase "Broken leg, cast it. Broken neck, casket. " is spoken. TWO YEARS OLD PEOPLE! Be forewarned.
3. Spanking-
This one is just too fresh for me. Needless to say, I was spanked a few times and I in fact DID NOT turn out OK. This is probably obvious. Why else would I commit blog suicide by writing this list? Something must have been shaken loose.
4. Circumcision-
You would be surprised how violent people who protect the foreskin sound when this word is mentioned in a positive light. Excuse me, genital mutilation. (I realize there is nothing funny about chopping off foreskin. But though I oppose the practice, I have seen people seriously considering doing it, because the rhetoric from both sides is so heated, they think everybody is lying. Food for thought.)
5. Sharing-
This one threw me. Some people make their kids share. Some don't. They are both SURE they are right. You might as well just say, "My favorite book is Mao's little red one" and then stand back. You may be called a communist. Just sayin'.
6. "I am considering an induction because I am feeling so uncomfortable" is the absolute last thing you should ever say to anybody who has ever taken a natural childbirth class.-
I admit, I still can't laugh at this one. I will HAVE to say something unasked for and unappreciated. Consider yourself warned.
7. Vaccines-
"But if they immunize, why do you need a booster?!" Also known as poison, monkey blood, aborted fetus parts, mercury, and egg yolks. If you don't know what I am talking about, just mention on a mothering.com forum that you are planning on vaccinating. Then stand back.
8. "I can't afford organic."-
Never say this either. If you really loved your kids you would sell crack to afford organic. Or grow it in your apartment window. Don't you care about them!?
9. Never tell somebody not to smoke pot when pregnant.-
I did a post on this once. Boy were people ticked. By the way, it is not a drug- it's a freaking HERB. I still refuse to change my mind on this one though. Don't do it!
10. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, working mothers, stay at home mothers, swaddling, boycotting, chemicals in diapers, fluoride, microwaves, weaning.....are a few more to round out your list of subjects to avoid with your best crunchy friend.
"When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another."
Alan Alda
(In case you missed it, I am trying to poke fun at our community, even though most of these subjects are ones that I feel strongly about too. Sadly, we push people away sometimes with our pet angry passions. You can still tell me how much you hate me in the comments, below. If not, remember, sometimes we take ourselves a little too seriously. Except for me, of course.)
Comments
My kids are healthy and happy. Breastfed, intact, cloth diapered, baby weared, healthy eating happy kids that never once cried it out...
This is so true! I was so excited to explore the natural birth community after I had a natural birth. Then I slowly started to realize how much I don't belong. I gave birth in a hospital. Man...okay, well I still cloth diaper and breastfeed. If I have a boy I will NOT circumcise him. But...I never got the hang of babywearing. Sigh. The real kicker. I choose to vaccinate my daughter. Boy do I suck. Can't be friends with the "mainstreamers" b/c they all assume I think I am better than they are and I can't be friends with the crunchy crowd b/c I am not "educated" enough for choosing certain things-like vaccinating my daughter.
This is pretty funny though, but at the same time, it's not. KWIM? These things have left me feeling like I belong nowhere.
I hate how these communities are an all or nothing. And I have been yelled at for even saying that. So I am forever grateful to find another mom out there who doesn't mind not following every rule but knows that her kid is happy and healthy and that is all that matters.
This may post as another name, I completely forgot I had a profile set up on this account. Oops :)
I have given birth in a hospital (cesarean and vaginal) and at home. We vaccinate. Both of our daughters were forward facing before two. I have formula fed and used disposable diapers. I don't buy organic. But then I also breastfeed (my daughter finally weaned at nearly 3!), cloth diaper, co-sleep, wear my baby and don't circumcise or sleep train.
The experiences with each child (I have 4, three living) have been different. You do different things with each kid. You learn and change your mind. Parenting is certainly not one size fits all or a "my way or the highway" kind of deal. We do our best with each issue and each child.
There are a couple subjects that I am passionate about, sure, but everyone is different. Not everyone is me, nor should they be, so I usually just bite my tongue. ;)
the only thing i would add would be Child care. I refuse to go back to work till my son is no longer breastfeeding full time and i get a load from my mom and other friends about "socializing" my kids. umm... i'm on a playdate where my kids are playing happily with your kids and you tell me they aren't being "socialized?" now i'm confused.
LOL - it is funny how many people who are "peaceful" and "loving" can get so aggravated and nasty over certain subjects. It's one thing to give advice or try to help others through education. It's another to scare them out of the community by being so adamant!
GREAT POST!
LOVE your blog.
I got deleted today for mentioning that a mother shouldn't try to stop her e from having an overnight visit with there 18 month daughter. that "she was a piece of him too". I was told that "sorry, but it's better not to have a father at all than to have one who is selfish and does not have a baby's best interests at heart but sees children just like property to divide up in a divorce :( " Women act like the guy was abusive or something, he just wants some time with his kid. Ugh
I thought I was as crunchy as it gets: I had a water birth, breastfeed, cloth diaper/EC, my daughter eats 100% organic on baby led weaning, she's not vax'd, I am an intactivist, I don't do santa/easter bunny/tooth fairy, believe in home schooling and that a child under 3 should always bei with a parent or close family member and I don't believe in punishment but instead natural consequences & communication. When my daughter was born with a tongue and lip tie, I wanted to have it cut. I waned her to be able to breast feed, not have speech issues or a gap between her front teeth. The LLL leader I called for support mentioned her daughter had those issues and she left her "intact" and that she was 18months and doing well. I felt defeated... I was looking for support and she had planted a seed in me that I was selfishly harming my daughter. But in the end I knew that my daughter's case was serious and she needed the procedures. It wasn't easy but it made me realize how everyone must make choices that nourish the happiness and well being of their family! Now I try to be as gentle as possible and educate but never push or judge.
That was so not my intent, (division) and I hope that people saw that. It was in fact, quite the opposite, to with humor (hopefully) point out to the choir that sometimes we are quite silly. You won't find me listing my crunchy accomplishments- they don't define who I am as a person. They change with each child and with what works and what doesn't. Never in a million years do I think we should be choosing our friends based on how much they fit how we think everybody else should be. I think, in all honesty, that this is mostly a virtual world problem, popping up on anon internet sites more than in real life. No- we are not in high school. We get to be friends with people now even if they dress different and like different music or raise their kids different than us. I hate what I see in this community- mothers often discounting the wisdom of others because they do something we think they shouldn't.
I've also had ppl. try to use the bible on me because they know that my husband & are believers & considered "born again". I most get garbage from the "community" for circing & for being a Christian. Both things make me uneducated & ignorant not to mention a down right abuser for "mutilating" our sons & teaching them our "non sense" aka "brain washing them" to be intolerant. Mean time there is no one my kids refuse to play with, they have all types of friends & the only ones who name call are their "tolerant & educated" parents. SIGH***
BTW, I agree 100% that some ppl's (self described activists) are what push ppl. away from their agenda but they don't get it no matter how sweetly & kindly you try to explain that.
I've noticed that too. Your so right & that's one of my biggest turn offs from the "community" men are treated like retarded, over sexed pitbulls.
My husband is such a huge part of not just my life but the life of my children. They live & die for that man even more so then me who has never ever spent one day or minute away from any of them ages 5, 3, & 1. They still choose dad over me. After they nursed they always wanted dad. They ask me for things food, diaper change, to nurse, etc... but dad comforts them, dad is fun, etc...
I can't stand how hateful towards men these women sound & I often feel awful for their men who seem like a castrated version of the pit mentioned above.
You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. This community needs to learn to be more gentle, like we teach our children. Instead of telling me every vaccinated child gets autism and shoving links in my face or that I am poisoning my kid try explaining to me why you choose not to vax but hear by side to. And that goes with circumcising, baby wearing, bed sharing, co-sleeping, home schooling, disciplining, etc.
My new favorite saying is, "Everyone tells you how challenging motherhood is, No one tells you that half the challenge is defending yourself."
None of us are open to learn from those who we feel judged by. I can be very passionate and have a lot of strong feelings about my version of what children need, but it's just not nice or constructive to vent at others. Brave and important post! Btw, I still don't get what "crunchy" really means or where it came from?? I've asked this question on a couple of fb pages that have crunchy as part of the name and haven't been answered, is it taboo to even ask? Genevieve
None of us are open to learn from those who we feel judged by. I can be very passionate and have a lot of strong feelings about my version of what children need, but it's just not nice or constructive to vent at others. Brave and important post! Btw, I still don't get what "crunchy" really means or where it came from?? I've asked this question on a couple of fb pages that have crunchy as part of the name and haven't been answered, is it taboo to even ask?
Btw I am a fully committed attachment parenting parent and have been for 14 years, so like yourself, I don't disagree with these arguments, just the divided camp that's all too common, we're all doing our best. Genevieve
What is the definition of crunchy, anyway...natural?
I've only just joined the doing things more naturally crowd, so I haven't had much personal experience with most of this...but I know from previous experiences how judgmental people can be - especially the very people haranguing everyone else for judging them.
I proudly have my kids in disposables - the insanity and cost of cloth diapering just isn't for me. I don't do poop if I can get away with it. I also refuse to wake my daughter up just to change her diaper. I've just decided no more vaxing, so as long as it's still ok to do while on government help, I won't be vaxing my daughter anymore. As soon as I can find a way of getting around, I'm going to start doing the organic bit - although that might have to wait til I have my own place. I co-sleep (as in daughter sleeps in bed with me). I breastfeed. I don't babywear, but that's not so much choice as can't find an affordable sling or similar type thing to safely ensconce baby in.
Mama Birth, this is a wonderful post! Thanks for being brave enough to write it!!!
I am thankful to have a fairly nurturing, accepting community around me. Like another poster, I feel like I am most judged simply for being a Christian. I find that pretty sad, especially when it comes from people who claim to be so open-minded and tolerant.
My mantra is "We are all doing the best we can." I'm not a perfect mom. Frankly, I'm not convinced that following the 10 Divine Laws of Crunchy Parenting would make me a "perfect" mom.
I also like the quote "Know better, do better." Why beat yourself up for doing something differently if you didn't know any better before? You can't change the past. When I see something I want to change, I have the choice to use my energy to abuse myself or to can use it to change. I want to give myself as much love and compassion as I would give my children.
From a green(ish), clean-eating (though not 100% organic), baby-wearing, exclusively breastfeeding, spanking, homeschooling, sharing, anti-vax, natural (hospital) birthing mother of five (three of whom are circumcised boys).
I get what you are saying- but do you realize how HOW you said it is insulting?
If you want everybody to give you a break and think we are all "doing the best we can"--maybe you shouldn't call stuff that is important to them (ie- people different than you) "appalling" or "woo".
I post science based stuff all the time- and- FYI- my hubby is a Chiropractor and a dang good one. My kids are not vaccinated. I had an unassisted birth and a birth with a CPM. There are many different reasons why people choose what they choose- science is one of them but all of those choices are deeply emotional, spiritual, intuitive and more. And you can often find studies to support either side, if you want to.
I agree about not telling people their deeply-held beliefs are "woo" -- that is such an offensive term! It automatically shuts down any dialogue.
I agree about not telling people their deeply-held beliefs are "woo" -- that is such an offensive term! It automatically shuts down any dialogue.
I'm a pariah in both mainstream and crunchy circles. Mainstream because I cloth diaper, breastfed my son until he self weaned this week due to me being pregnant with #2. *BAWLS* , we eat organic food, garden, etc...
ANd YET, I'm a pariah on the crunchy side because I vaccinate, can't babywear because of my back (arthritis in the lower disks) and a few other things.....
It works for our family... not for everyone's but for us? its awesome. WHy can't people get that by living MY life, i'm not judging theirs?
I think the real key is to not worry if you fit into a certain community. Just do things your way and be who you are. In any community there will always be a contingent of people who don't accept you because they are the "true" hard core ones, and you aren't and therefore do not fit into their group. It really is like a pissing contest. Getting caught up in the drama and judginess just brought me unhappiness. So, I bowed out. I still read forums and what not, but stopped posting, etc... I just decided to be me and shun any label. It worked. I was much happier after that.
Now, granted, I do have my issues in that I hate strollers (we both wore baby), early solids, people who take their kids out of boosters too early, etc. But I don't call people out on it. I just seethe inside and let people parent in peace.
i had no idea the crunchy community had opinions about staying at home vs working! i work full time, vaccinate, only half my food is organic, i birthed in a hospital (couldn't afford a midwife), and i cric'd my son (7 years ago though, before there was a strong argument against it). I also use disposable diapers because i use a laundromat and have a hard enough time getting just my clothes washed each week. i would love to get heat from someone about these choices.
Maybe we should start a new community of the halfsies--the moms who only do it half way--cloth but bottle, breastfed but sposies, natural births at hospitals since we aren't accepted by the "REAL" natural moms nor by the "Bad" mainstream moms.
And I vaccinate. But my daughter is happy, healthy, cloth diapered, attached, etc. I don't - nor will I ever - spank, I try not to yell, and I love to bedshare with her. I think the community needs to be less all or nothing, and more "we all do the best we can for our families, let's all just get along"
So the list is funny, but it's also sad because it's true.